Posts by TrendFluxStaff:
You may remember last year we posted a list of all our New Year’s Resolutions, and if you don’t remember, just click here. I thought now would be as good as time as any to see how well we did. For convenience, I have divided them up into convenient categories.
Practically everyone else. Yup, Sam Young’s beard is as non-existent as ever, Rachel Taylor remains arachnophobic, and Harry Rudd is yet to go snowboarding. Ned Newberry is still eating nuggets, Toby Coulthard’s ability to wear glasses hasn’t improved, and thanks to Callum Ewing, ‘Only Fools and Squirrels’ is preparing for season 3! Oli Katz accidentally celebrated, Dan Meier didn’t get arrested, and Nathan O’Neill is as unattractive and unproductive as he’s ever been. Oh well, at least we tried?
As far as I’m aware, Guy Vero is still masturbating to the Antiques Roadshow. However, whether it is more, or less furious than it was previously remains to be seen.
I hope you can see why we decided not to post our resolutions for 2013…
The more eagle-eyed amongst you may have noticed the distinct lack of articles on this website for, oh, about two months now. In fact, even those of you who are less eagle-eyed and more bat-eyed probably noticed too. Whilst I wish I could sit here and tell you why it’s all OK and you guys are just overreacting, I can’t. All I can do is apologise.
I first noticed something was wrong when, after the dry spell also known as November, I failed to receive my novelty sized cheque and wheelbarrow full of gold that I have grown so accustomed to. In turn, this meant I was unable to purchase any food water or water throughout the cold Winter months and was forced to use up all the vouchers I have been accumulating from my complaint letters in order to survive. And while living off fizzy drinks and chocolate isn’t all bad, come the new year I decided things must change. Here is a list of things that are now happening:
We Will Start Posting More Regularly Again!
We’re talking like, at least 3 times a week. We were posting everyday, but that probably made you guys bored and us tired. This way we can ensure we only post top quality content, and you can be informed when we post an article if you follow us on Facebook or Twitter. Anything we have that’s good, we’ll post, speaking of which…
While we can’t offer you ‘money’ per se, we can offer you good times, and isn’t that what life’s all about? If you wanna write comedy articles, or write or act in comedy sketches, then TrendFlux is the perfect platform for you. Send us your samples to email@example.com or just comment on this article. Wait, did someone mentioning comedy sketches? YES, because…
We Bought A Lovely New Camera And It’s Really Pretty And We’ve Been Filming Loads Of Comedy Sketches And Pranks And Songs And We Can’t Wait For You Guys To See Them Because They’re Going To Be Awesome
So that’s pretty much it. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and we’re back to make you guys laugh. They say 2013 is the year of TrendFlux…
Or the year of the Snake. One of the two.
When I heard Ridley Scott was making another sci-fi film, I was as happy as a chestburster coiled in the innards of an unsuspecting victim. When I heard it was going to be a prequel to Alien, I yelled out in excitement and am now banned from my local library. When I heard that it wasn’t going to directly focus on the aliens and have a plot of its own, I was slightly confused. And when I saw the film a vomited into a popcorn bag and drove my car into a ravine.
I’d be willing to bet a sizeable portion of my meagre income that about 95 per cent of the individuals who reviewed this film are far more intelligent than me (the 5 per cent accounts for the various ‘lad mags’ whose scores seem to correlate with the amount of nudity in the film). I say this because I gave Prometheus my full attention but I found the plot to be as unintelligible as an Escher painting. This is the fundamental flaw in the film because, despite asking some very interesting questions about life, the universe and everything, it doesn’t get the basic foundation of all films: to tell a good story.
The film follows a group of scientists on board the spaceship Prometheus sent by the mysterious Peter Weyland to a distant planet to track down the ‘Engineers’ whose existence is chronicled in earth-bound cave paintings. And herein is its first problem. These are SCIENTISTS. In the first Alien film, any idiotic wandering off or accidental falling into pits of alien eggs could be explained away by the fact that they were miners, the intergalactic equivalent of the ice-road truckers. But with earth’s greatest scientists, you would anticipate them to be professional enough to not attempt to: pet an alien worm; keep secret the fact that they have a crippling alien infection; take off their helmets in an alien atmosphere; touch biological goo without gloves; get lost despite mapping out the spaceship; let a deformed zombie-man into the cargo hold; and fail to notice that elderly, frozen Guy Pearce is on board their craft. The silliness of the supposed professionals is profound, and really shattered the mood for me.
Next is David, the duplicitous android now required of Alien films, and played very well by Michael Fassbender. He does a spectacular job of portraying the creepy and mysterious role of an emotionless machine governed purely by logic. Except that his motivation makes even less sense than the humans. He infects a main character with alien sludge for no apparent reason, and is somewhat less than helpful when Noomi Rapace discovers that she’s been knocked up with an alien octopus. Yes, really. There are so many more unanswered questions such as, why is the space captain so morose? Why is the biologist a little bit creepy? Why are the two co-pilots such frat boys? Scott provides absolutely no justification for why these characters act in the way they do.
The plot falls flat too, with more holes than a sieve used for target practice. We know from the trailers that humans were created by aliens, and by the end of the film, that’s still as much as we know. No hint as to why we were made, what our purpose was, or why they eventually tried to destroy us. There’s a bizarre bit where they check the DNA of the aliens that created the humans and their DNA is an exact match. An EXACT MATCH!?!? Then why are they 8 foot tall and bald? I suppose they just meant they had similar DNA to us, but then again, so does broccolli. Weird.
The film had its exciting moments and is an absolute visual feast. The design, inspired by H.R. Geiger’s original work on the Alien franchise, makes this film amazing to look at. The spartan, alien world looked otherworldly but believable and all of the equipment used by the crew looked like something that the great Mr Dyson would design. There is a fantastic robo-abortion scene where a medi-pod takes a wriggly alien foetus out of her womb and then staples her stomach shut (“Internal bleeding? What’s that?”) which absolutely captures the spirit of niggling horror I remember from the old films, but there are just so many problems and no explicit answers to any of the questions asked by the movie. As such, I can only give it two weird telegraph poles out of five. I’m sorry Ridley. I really am.
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So the Olympics are well under way which means it’s the only thing that anyone is going to be talking about for the next two weeks. We figured what would be better than loading your brains with ten round of pub ammunition to impress your friends/potential lovers. Yes, we realise we have put this Top Ten in the Top Five category, but hey, this is TrendFlux! We’re about as flexible as a bed-ridden geriatric.
1. Only one white man in recorded history has ever run the 100m in under 10 seconds. Christophe Lemaitre, a French sprinter (I didn’t really need to specify he was a sprinter), has been clocked at 9.92 seconds. It’s safe to say Caucasians won’t be challenging Bolt any time soon… but we’ll always have cycling and swimming, so at leastwe’ve got two-thirds of the Triathlon sorted.
2. The first Olympic drug suspension wasn’t until 1968 where Hans-Gunnar Liljenwall, a Swedish pentathlete, was suspended because he tested positive for a banned substance. What was that substance I hear you say? Alcohol. He’d knocked a few cold ones back before shooting in the pentathlon. Classic Swede.
3. The Games used to last a lot longer. The 1908 summer games in London had its opening ceremony on April 27th, and its closing ceremony on… October 31st. Yup, if you came to see that, you weren’t a tourist, you’d immigrated!
4. At least one of the colours of the Olympic rings appears on every flag in the world. From left to right, they are Blue, Yellow, Black, Green, and Red. And if you want a mnemonic to remember that, try BYBGR, or BYeBlaGRe, or… Nah, I got nothing.
5. The only continents yet to host the Olympics are Africa and South America, a fact set to change with Rio in four years time. And London is the only city ever to host the games three times.
6. So Redgrave has five golds. Ppppfff! Kneel before Larisa Latynina, Steve! She was a gymnast from the former Soviet Union, and finished her Olympic career with 18 medals, the most in history, nine of which were gold! That’s enough precious metal to start your own mint.
7. So Tom Daley was pretty young at his first games, but GB’s fallen short again! The youngest athlete in Olympics history was Greek gymnast Dimitrios Loundras. In 1896, he competed in Athens, at just 10 years old. He won a bronze medal, thereby causing all other tweenagers to feel completely inadequate.
8. In the skeet shooting event, the targets are clay pigeons. Entertaining, and nothing gets hurt! Not quite the same as in Paris in 190o, where the targets were real pigeons! The records show that the Belgian competator, Leon de Lunden, won the gold medal with a perfect score of 300 birds. Pigeons still mourn that day.
9. The very first champion winner of the Modern Olympics was James Brendan Connolly. He walked out of Harvard University when they refused to grant him leave of absence to participate. 52 years later, he was offered an honorary doctorate by the same University. He turned it down.
10. Roughly 3,600g of gold worth more than $193,250 will be used to plate the medals at the 2012 London Olympic Games, so Team GB better win them. I’m not giving our money away to just anyone!
So there you have it. 10 little snippets of info to whet your appetite for the greatest show on earth, all set in Queen Lizzie’s backyard (not sure where her frontyard is…)
Come on Team GB!
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ATTENTION ALL: I am now offering my complaining services to anyone with an issue! And I will pass on the goods I receive to you (maybe)! So congratulations to Holly Ellis who is now the proud owner of… Well, read on to find out!
SUBJECT: Biscuity Banter
First off, I would like to compliment you on your logo. It looks like five slugs having a race (the one on the right is winning; I have named him Jeffrey).
Slug-related small talk aside, there is a more pressing issue at hand. I recently bought a tube(?) of Tesco Value Milk Chocolate Digestives (300g) for49p. As I was munching through the pack, I couldn’t have been happier. That is, until I reached Biscuit #5. You see, Biscuit #5 was entirely chocolate-free.
Obviously, I was perturbed at the presence of this biscuit, looking all naked and bare. But the really mystery is this: how did Mr Biscuit come in to existence? Is he simply a Milk Chocolate Digestive who is missing his cocoa hat? Or is he a Plain Digestive who somehow managed to make his way in amongst the Milkies? I guess we’ll never know.
In any case, he certainly looked forlorn as he lay there among his dark-skinned brethren. And Tesco, you only have yourself to blame. I would send you a picture of said biscuit as evidence, but I assume that you know what Plain Digestives look like. Furthermore, my bumbling friend Alex saw the snack one evening and promptly ate it; he was not aware of the need for an ongoing investigation. I am now no longer friends with this friend… HAHA, I jest! (More like, ‘Di-jest’!) ((More like, ‘Digestives’!))
Perhaps in order to make up for the trauma, you could offer some compensation. Maybe you could send me a pot of Tesco Value Chocolate & Hazelnut Spread 600g, so I could buy some Plain Digestives and cap them all sufficiently with a layer of chocolate. I will happily pay you for this pot, provided it costs £0.00. Or even better, I have a young cousin who would love a (free) tour of your factory so he can see how biscuits are made. Alternatively, I have an old cousin who would love a tour of your offices (this tour need not be free).
Let me know what suits you so I can organise a time and date.
Cheers a lot,
SUBJECT: Biscuity Banter
Thank you for your email and apologies for having taken so long to reply to you. My email system appears to have joined the slug race you were referring to and it doesn’t seem to be on the winning end.
Firstly, thank you for giving me an entirely new perspective on the Tesco logo. It is certainly entertaining to watch Jeffrey. I hope your bets on him winning will be successful.
Furthermore, I was equally upset to learn the dramatic tale of the bare Tesco Value Milk Chocolate Digestive. I’m really not sure how we could have been so rude as to not cover it appropriately. I bet biscuit number 5 felt rather cold and lonely in that pack of delicious, chocolate covered digestives and I can only begin to imagine how this has affected your happy munch.
Therefore, I’ve looked into this for you and can only assume that this was down to a technical error in production. This biscuit shouldn’t have gone through quality control, but it managed to hide its bare surface from the All Seeing Eye.
Thank you for the interesting suggestions as to how to resolve this for you. If you could kindly send me your address details, I’d be more than happy to arrange for a nice little surprise parcel to be posted to you.
Tesco Customer Service
SUBJECT: Biscuity Banter
Hello Thomas (not a tank engine)!
My address is: [redacted]
I would love a surprise parcel. How exciting. Though I do question your use of the word ‘little’. I can assure you that my letterbox is large enough to accommodate gifts of all sizes.
I look forward to my parcel, and really hope it is not a simply template apology letter. I wish for it to be heartfelt and sincere and contain within it items that will be so damned exciting that it’ll be a story to tell the grandkids.
SUBJECT: Biscuity Banter
Thank you for your response and for kindly sending me your address details. I’m glad to confirm that a box of the suggested goodies is on it’s jolly way to you. Please say ‘hello’ to the two cousins on my behalf and I apologise that they’ll have to miss out on the proposed guided tours.
I hope you’ll enjoy what I’ve sent you and thank you once again for taking the time to share your ‘disgustive’ experience with me.
Tesco Customer Service
My Mystery Box
Contents: Plain Digestives, and 2 pots of chocolate spread. Oh, and some Chocolate Digestives thrown in for good measure. Touché Thomas, and I didn’t even poke fun at your surname…
If you want more of these, oh look, they now have their own category
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Is it bad how much these videos continue to crack me up?
Woo! TrendFlux is one today! Where are our presents?
Yup, this here lovely little website was created exactly one year ago (maybe. Who’s counting? Not I), and just look at us now! Flying up and down the tubes of the internet like nobody’s business! We have also been appreciated outside of our close circle of friends, having been featured on websites such as publsh.me, cherwell.org, scndtonone.com, and unilad.com. All this means we’re now approaching 100,000 pageviews! That’s, like, almost a million, right? And we couldn’t have done it without you guys.
Seriously, every article you read, like, share, or openly criticise, makes our hearts smile with the warmth of a thousand suns (maybe not so much that last one). But the most magical moment of it all is making you guys laugh. And the money.
Please continue to be vocal. We couldn’t do this without you and always yearn to know what you enjoy and want more of. Want us to write about a topic of your choice? Tell us, and we’ll (probably) do it! As a small reward for your ongoing support, we have compiled a list of our (and your) favourite articles for you to read at your leisure, without having to sift through the crap. Unless you are a sewage worker. In which case, continue.
Thank you, and goodnight.
Seriously though, where are our presents?
Remember when we were posting videos? That was fun. Please enjoy this one from a while back. At the end of Oliver Taylor‘s video this time, there is a whole segment dedicated to TrendFlux. I’m pretty sure this is the first time ‘TrendFlux’ has ever been uttered on camera and hopefully not the last. To subscribe to either of our YouTube channels, just click our blue, glowy names. Otherwise, just watch the video and enjoy.
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I can only apologise for the distinct lack of articles lately. But fortuitously for everyone involved, this time we have a reason! You see, we have been working super-hard behind the scenes and can now happily announce that we are initiating Phase 3 of our plan to take over the world (phases 1 and 2 have already occurred; they were pretty sweet)!
We now have a wonderful Facebook app so that our articles can get the outreach that we think they deserve. There’s probably a button prompting you to get it up there ^ or something. Please enable it so that your friends can laugh as much (or as little) as you have.
Oh and one more thing. If you fancy writing for TrendFlux, now would be a good time to join. Your articles will be read by somewhere between 1 and A BAJILLION PEOPLE! So what are you waiting for? Email firstname.lastname@example.org now!
Thanks for your patience and/or love,
You know, when we write these letters, we’re not always rude and demanding. Sometimes, we just want a nice chat… and replacement items. So imagine our delight when clothing company QCumber replied to us. Aren’t they nice? They also make lovely jumpers.
SUBJECT: Good Morrow!
Your great garments give me grounds to gracefully grab grand gratuities! (my attempt at thanking you for the good recent deal with alliteration)
I was delighted to receive two jumpers in the post from you recently, particularly because that’s how many I ordered. The Broccolli on the sweater looked so real I could almost eat it. Then I remember I don’t like vegetables, and the jumper made a squeaky noise against my teeth. The pineapples on maroon also stood out fiercely. I’ve never seen a fierce pineapple before, so please give yourself a pat on the back for that.
Unfortunately, this is the part of the e-mail where my foibles feebly ferment. Upon wearing of the jumper (I went for the two-hands-in-first method, followed by the head. I’m sure you know it well) it became alarmingly apparent that the jumper was slightly too small. As a student I do not live decadently, so I’m sure I haven’t put on too much weight recently. I had had a Pizza Hut (pepperoni and stuffed crust, in case you were wondering) the previous night, but I don’t think this could possibly cause me to go up one jumper size. Could it? If so, my apologies for wasting your time and please forward this letter to the Pizza Hut complaints department.
Due to the smallness of said jumpers, and rotundness of my said torso, could I possible return the jumpers to you, in return for you sending me back the same jumpers but one size up (both from a medium to a large)? I would be more than happy to pay for postage and packaging myself. Alternatively you could send your CEO round for a cup of coffee and I could wrap them up and pretend its his Christmas present. Whatever works best for you.
(PS. The jumpers in question are one medium brocolli on white and one medium pinepple on “helaconia”, or maroon for those of us who live in the regular colour spectrum)
SUBJECT: Good Morrow!
‘Twas a dull day indeed until my electronic mail inbox was brightened up by the arrival of your flowery missive. Would that more people wrote as eloquently as your good self, both in business and personal correspondence. Some might impugn that those amongst us who are considerate and good-mannered enough to invest the requisite time into composing such cohesive odes are in need of a hobby or more acquaintances, and are unlikely to be sexually successful, but fie on those fools say I.
In reply to the thrust (if you will) of your communique, a trade of jumpers is something that we could certainly consider, given the correct procedure. I would humbly request that you place the items in question into an envelope of appropriate volume, neither too large nor too small, and write upon this envelope the following words:
QCumber Designs Ltd
46 Chestnut Grove
Would you be so good as to also place inside a cheque for the sum of £3.95, made payable to QCumber Designs Ltd, in order that we may return the jumpers unto you? An indication that the parcel is from yourself, together with confirmation of the desired transformation, would be of great benefit too. Please then take this package and render it unto the Royal Mail, who will convey it unto ourselves upon payment of an appropriate and fair sum. Upon receipt of the aforementioned, we will perform a similar procedure with more appropriately apportioned garments, which may then be worn and enjoyed by you, just as so many around the world already enjoy them.
Please do send me and my colleagues any further enquiries you may have; it is our pleasure to deal with such fine gentlemen as yourself.
Our best to you and yours, your humble servant,
Robert Heaton III of London
Employee of the Guild of QCumber
Dictated but not read
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