Posts by rossh:
Ross Hayward tells us what really grinds his gears in today’s blog entry, read on…
It’s easy to hate Justin Bieber for being a prepubescent, talentless, monkey ball sack… so lets do that.
The chances of you being born are indescribably small. Like literally mind-cripplingly, nut squeezingly small. The chances that your grandLad met your grandmother, had your dadLad who met you mum and then had you, are so small infinitely small it’ll make you think twice about your life the next time you’re sitting in your underpants: eating Doritos, wanking into a sock and watching cats hugging dogs on YouTube.
So putting this into relation to Justin Bieber, the chances that the living mangina that he is was actually born can be put on par with some of the worst recorded disasters in history i.e. Lampard’s goal that wasn’t against Germany, anytime you’ve got your Wonka bar trapped in your zipper and not qualifying for Euro 2008. Bad times.
So why do we, the 95% (also commonly known as sane people) detest the shaven monkey scrotum that is Justin Drew Bieber? Well let’s take it from the top. Getting famous off of YouTube. Yes that thing you call friend, that incredible place you go to procrastinate for hours by watching cats falling asleep onto their faces, has caused universal torment for music lovers around the world. Apparently singing badly to the world is enough to be rewarded with a recording contract and superstardom. But that’s enough about The X Factor.
It’s the feeling that someone SO BAD at what they do is being rewarded with riches far beyond what more deserving people could ever dream of (http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/). Further reasons why I don’t what to live on this planet anymore. Apparently singing like a girl, looking like a vagina and acting like Jesus’ jockstrap is enough of a reason to merit superstardom and become one of the world’s most influential people in 2011 according to Times magazine. But then, who isn’t going to take advice from a child who sings badly about love and friendship and lyrics that can only have been mustered together by putting the chunks of vomit together on the lyrics paper to form a string of words.
How can he possibly know anything about love? Or being a normal human being? He was born after all via a series of mutations (and witchcraft) after someone had put a tooth in cola over night to see what would happen. So any lyrics referencing growing up as a humanoid become instantly invalid.
And finally, one of the main reasons that I detest said shaven ball sack is because of the fans. Any other person who feels the need to cry at the sight of or scream higher than human ears can hear should be put down mercifully by bludgeoning to the back of the head with a flail similar to the one the Witch King used in Lord of the Rings. The mindless, zombie victims of either being exposed to too much radiation as a child or the fact that they are all borderline brain-dead is too much for me and again validates why I no longer want to live on this broken planet and instead wish to take Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox and the cave girl version of Raquel Welch (Google it) to Mars where we will restart the human race while the Earth as we know it is sucked into a black hole created by putting red matter into the core of the planet…
I hate you, Justin Bieber.
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Or for an entirely unrelated article, how about a hilarious guide to sunbathing!