Nathan O'Neill - TrendFlux

Posts by Nathan:

    More Like BADbury – A Complaint To Cadbury

    January 12th, 2013

     

     Short but sweet this one. I’ve got so many vouchers now, they’re coming out the wazoo (whatever that means)! I don’t want anymore, so now I shall begin refusing vouchers in exchange for something better. I’ll still get vouchers for you guys, so be sure to email in your complaints!

    ——————————
    TO:               consumer.relations1@mdlz.com
    FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.com
    SUBJECT:  (Not) Finger-Licking Good

    Hello darkness, my old friend.

     

    It is with great sadness that I find myself writing this letter. You see, the other day (no, not that one, the other one) I spent my pocket money on some Cadbury’s Chocolate ‘Fingers’. Now this is kind of a big deal for me, since I only get £5 a week from my three parents. Unfortunately, I did NOT get my money’s worth! See attached picture for evidence of dissatisfaction.

     

     

    Look at those poor fellows, lying there, naked and bare! This is especially cruel given the harsh grip of Winter that is no doubt upon us. They are literally now just biscuits. They no longer deserve to be called fingers, maybe a toe at best. Indeed, I see you also sell Fabulous Fingers these days. Well, may I assure you that these fingers I purchased were totally unfabulous. How’s that for an advertising campaign? ‘Not very good’ is the answer to my rhetorical question.

     

    I am disappoint because I wanted chocolately fingers, but I didn’t get them. This is kind of a double entendre because I didn’t get the proper snack, nor did my fingers end up covered in chocolate, as they usually do.

     

    As compensation, could you please organise a trip for me to come and see your Cadbury’s factory? I hope it is like the factory of Willy Wonka! If it isn’t, I don’t think I want to come any more.

     

    I look forward to hearing from you soon

    ——————————

    £4 of vouchers? That’s gonna buy me a lot of fingers. Like, enough to make an octopus, if octopuses had hands. Thank you to Lucy Harding for this complaint!


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    Happy Holidays! – A Reply To Spam

    January 10th, 2013

    I thought I had stopped receiving spam, thanks to my tireless efforts of mocking and/or insulting them, but just recently, it’s picked up again, and it’s really rather tedious. Apart from the penis enlargement pills. They seem useful.

    ——————————
    TO:               ngoneill@hotmail.com
    FROM:        chrisgibbs4581@yahoo.com
    SUBJECT:  Vacation

    Hello,

    I wish to make room reservation on behalf of 2 couples from Hong Kong, they will be visiting for Vacation. I would like to reserve 2 double rooms or any other room type to accommodate them for the following dates: may 9th – 13th inclusive (5 night’s total).

     

    We look forward to arriving at your location on may 9th ,2012. Please could you confirm this reservation in replying with your quotes then we can make a deposit to secure the rooms.

     

    Thank you for your time, and look forward to your reply.

    Kind regards,

    Chris

     

    ——————————
    TO:               chrisgibbs4581@yahoo.com
    FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.com
    SUBJECT:  Fake-ation

    Hi Chris,

    Thanks for getting in touch. I’ll start by giving you a bit more information on my hotel.

     

    Due to recent flooding at the premises, we have been forced to temporarily relocate to my parent’s house. It is very spacious and is in a fantastic area. In fact, after sending off a large portfolio of photographs and grass clippings, they may be using this house as one of the locations for ‘Oh So Surrey’, whatever that might be! Exciting times ahead!

     

    Anyways, the rooms I can offer you are not so much ‘rooms’, but cupboards. They remain very roomy, provided you try not to sit down. Hopefully this is OK with you. As for dates, I can offer you either May 9th -13th exclusive or May 10th – 12th inclusive, your choice. Alternatively, May 9th 2014 may suit us both better.

     

    You ask for my quotes. Here they are:

    “The beginning of wisdom is the loss of knowledge. The death” – Nathan O’Neill
    “Thanks for getting in touch.” – Nathan O’Neill
    “To be or not to be. What was the question?” – Nathan O’Neill

     

    Now that everything is in order, please send me a large cheque post-haste (large in value, not size!!)

    All the best,

    Nathan

    ——————————

    His silence pains me. In retrospect, there is a slight possibility that this may actually be a misguided man trying to book a holiday. I think this makes it even funnier.


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    Lindt Letdown – A Complaint

    January 7th, 2013

     

    I know you guys have missed these complaints letters, but luckily for you (and unluckily for me), lots of bad stuff has been happening to me lately. So stay tuned for loads of increasingly adventurous complaints! And be sure to email admin@trendflux.com if you have any complaints of your own!

    ——————————
    TO:               consumerservice-uk@lindt.com
    FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.com
    SUBJECT:  Lack Of Lindt

     

    Hello there!

    Before we begin, could I please ask how does one pronounce your name? Because I have been saying ‘lindet’ for most of my adult life now, and I keep getting funny looks from cashiers.

     

    Anyways, I recently purchased some delicious Lindet Chocolates for my personal consumption and was disheartened, nay, dismayed to see that this bizarrely-shaped box contained only 16 balls of goodness.

     

    Now, in my mind 16 spheres is simply not enough. It is but a mere handful (if you have the hands of a bear!). I like to think of myself as an optimistic guy, but this is definitely half empty. I even tried turning it upside down. YOU CAN’T FOOL ME, LINDET!

     

     

    However, the bigger concern here is your complete lack of respect for the environment. Over 50% of this packaging has been made entirely redundant by leaving it empty. To be honest, I would have been perfectly happy receiving my spheres in a white mesh bag! Do you have any white mesh bags? If so, could I have one? I’m all out.

     

    What I’m trying to say is, could you please send me some additional circles of chocolate, or just a smaller packet in which to house them?

     

    Thanks

     

    Mrs. O’Neill

     

    ——————————
    TO:               ngoneill@hotmail.com
    FROM:        consumerservice-uk@lindt.com
    SUBJECT:  Lack Of Lindt

     

    Dear Mrs O’Neill,

    Thank you for your email we received. We are grateful to hear your comments with regards to our packaging and I should like to take this opportunity to assure you that it is a matter which Lindt & Sprüngli takes very seriously. The box of Lindor Tuffles you purchased is based upon weight of the chocolate, not the quantity of truffles in each box, therefore the total amount of truffles contained in each box may vary.

     

    When the product comes off the factory line it is fully packed to the top of the bag. Due to the twist–wrap nature of the Lindor product, in time and during transit the product settles, giving the appearance that the box is not fully packed. This is something that our product team is aware of and they are looking into ways to prevent this from happening.

     

    Once again thank you for your email and interest in Lindt chocolates.

     

    Yours sincerely,

    Eileen Lidgett

     

    ——————————
    TO:               consumerservice-uk@lindt.com
    FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.com
    SUBJECT:  Lack Of Lindt

     

    Come on, Eileen.

    I don’t think you understand the severity of this issue! Please view another high quality photograph indicating the un-full nature of the box. I assure you that no amount of time or transit would allow this ludicrous level of settling! Please advise me as to how I can acquire the other half of my box of Lindt.

     

     

    Furthermore, I am disheartened that you gave me the title of ‘Mrs’ in your previous missive. Last time I checked (this morning), I am most definitely a man. Calling me a woman is particularly depressing, especially given my personal history.

     

    Yours,

    Nathan

    (P.S. In your email you referred to ‘Lindor Tuffles’. I don’t know what these are. But I don’t want any, thank you)

     

    ——————————
    TO:               ngoneill@hotmail.com
    FROM:        consumerservice-uk@lindt.com
    SUBJECT:  Lack Of Lindt

    Dear Mr O’Neill,

    Thank you for your quick response.

     

    I am sorry for the upset caused regarding the title “Mrs” however looking back on our records it appears that when the ticket was created “Mrs” had already been selected from the drop down menu.

     

    I am pleased to inform you that I will send a replacement box of Lindt Lindor Assorted truffles.

     

    Yours sincerely,

    Eileen Lidgett
    Consumer Service

     

    ——————————
    TO:               consumerservice-uk@lindt.com
    FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.com
    SUBJECT:  Lack Of Lindt

    No, thank YOU for the quick response!

     

    Oh yes, my mistake. I apologize for being so accusatory. I guess old habits die hard!

     

    All the best

    Mr(!) Nathan

     

    ——————————

    Win. I promptly received a very squashed, but very full, box of truffles in the post. Thank you Siobhan Barnard for this complaint!

     


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    The Everyman’s Guide To Halloween

    October 31st, 2012


     

    The thing about Halloween is that it’s just as mysterious as it is frightening. No one really knows why it came about. I think, by now, we all know that Halloween is a contraction of ‘All Hallow’s Eve’, and if we didn’t, at least we all know someone who would have known that. But where did the bizarre traditions and all the associated nonsense come from?

     

    Apparently, the reason that there is such a bizarre mix of activities is because Halloween as we know it is a horrific amalgamation of four completely separate festivals throughout history. We have a Roman festival called Pomona that celebrates nuts and seeds; an Old Irish festival called Samuin held for ‘Summer’s End’; a Catholic celebration of the Saints; and another Roman celebration, ‘The Festival of the Dead’ (finally, something a little morbid!). Throw all these religious and cultural ideas together, and apparently you get this:

     

    One would expect there to be religious connotations behind Halloween. After all, we all know that Christmas was created by Christians in order to give small children more presents, or something like that. But no, not Halloween. Father Gabriele Amorth, a vatican-appointed exorcist (who incidentally wins the best name-title combo ever!), is quoted as saying, “it is just a game, there is no harm in that”.

     

    One of the most prominent themes during Halloween is the fact that most people will dress up in a vaguely terrifying outfit. Note that I say ‘vaguely’. Last night I saw a pair of bumblebees… Anyways, the general procedure is that the guys are forced to come up with the most original costume in order to impress their bros, whilst most girls will dress up in -sorry- most girls will dress down. Expect to see lingerie passing off for acceptable evening wear. There will also be a wide range of fluffy animals, such as rabbits and kittens, because apparently these girls think that the male population is in to bestiality. The best costume I have seen is located here, whereas the worst costume ever is definitely this:

     

     

    You see, what this guy has forgotten is that ball pits are for children. And he has put his naked penis inside a children’s toy. This is so many times worse than riding around in a white van, offering sweets.

     

    Another Halloween staple is trick-or-treating. This fun past-time, in which candy somehow becomes unlimited and free, supposedly originated in Britain, but I’ve only ever seen in done in American sitcoms. Perhaps I was just a deprived child. Whilst we’re on the subejct of ‘deprived’, apparently, in the Middle Ages, poor folk would go door to door on Hallowmas (as it was then known) asking for free food, and in return they would pray for the kind family. Haha, ‘poor folk’. A word of advice if you are on the receiving end of a trick-or-treating: dog treats are not acceptable. This faux-pas once really put me in the dog-house!

     

    But I don't care cos my doghouse is awesome.

     

    We, as humans, also decided that a good way to evoke fear would be by carving pumpkins into various shapes. We have also decided that pumpkins are not for eating, given that 99% of pumpkins sold in the US are used as Jack O’Lanterns at Halloween. Fair point though, when was the last time you had pumpkin-on-toast? Once again proving that people in the olden days are crazy in so many ways, people traditionally carved turnips in order to remember the souls that were held in purgatory. I hear you laughing at the notion of carving a tiny turnip, but a quick google image search will show you that they really can be quite impre-

     

    OH. MY. GOD.

     


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    Suckiest Jobs (Friday Flashback)

    October 26th, 2012

     

    There aren’t many jobs that suck on every level imaginable but unfortunately, chimney sweeping is one of them. Now I’m not talking about modern day sweeping, because that there’s some pussy shit. As Dizzee Rascal once infamously proclaimed: “Don’t make me get old school”. Sorry Dizzee, that’s exactly what we’ve done. Victorian sweeping; we’re taking this noble profession back to its gnarled and dirty roots. Note: It’s not like this

     

     

    So the jobs that chimney sweeps had to do were pretty simple. And by simple, I mean terrifying. The boys had to squeeze themselves into the burning hell hole known as a fireplace and use their backs, elbows and knees to somehow make their way up the sheer brick-lined tube whilst carrying their tools above them. Wikipedia kindly tells me that they managed this by “shimmying up the flue in the manner of a caterpillar”. I didn’t really know what this meant either, so I looked up caterpillar motion on Wikipedia itself, where they confidently proclaim that they “slide like a Slinky: gut first, body later”.

     

    Nice Self-Pwn, Wikipedia

     

    The actual tasks they had to perform when up there included dislodging loose soot (which would then conveniently fall all over your face, temporarily blinding you), chipping away at the solid bits of muck (thereby reducing the number of handholds, and make life a lot harder for themselves), and putting out fire way up in the chimney (because apparently firefighters are too busy for that kind of thing). And then, after risking their lives to clean someone’s chimney, the customers would really take the piss by asking the boys to sweep up the soot, bag it up, and carry it away to be sold for next to nothing.

     

    Notice how I said ‘boy’ in the above paragraphs, instead of ‘adult’? Well, this was because all chimney sweeps tended to be children, some even as young as four. So not only does this constitute child labour, but it’s also not really helping with the unemployment levels of the working class. I suppose it probably can’t be called ‘child labour’, due to the fact that they never get paid.

     

    Chimney sweeps were effectively unpaid apprentices who were looked after by a ‘master’. This man would do all sorts of kind things for the chimney sweeps, such as letting them climb up 5 chimneys a day, allowing them to sleep under the soot sacks they were using earlier, and, in order to make their boys work harder, they would light fires underneath them!


    "Am I Helping?"

     

    Personally, I can’t see why any chimney sweep would need more reasons to want to get the fuck out of there. But just in case they needed even more encouragement, oftentimes a second boy would be sent up behind the first, to prick his feet and buttocks with a sharp pin. In general, everything humanly possible would be done just to make a chimney sweeps job a living hell.

     

    Most of the chimneys would have dimensions of only 14in by 9in, and are not necessarily even straight. So the more careless / nooby of the climbing boys could easily get stuck with their knees jammed against their chests. Once firmly stuck in a dirty dangerous chamber in the unceremonious style of an unimpressed foetus, with a fire lit beneath me and being repeatedly jabbed by a pin-wielding colleague, I would definitely be handing in my P45.

     

    They also developed a peculiar disease which they called ‘soot wart’. That may sound pretty bad as it is, but somehow, it gets worse as it has now been identified as a manifestation of scrotal squamous cell carcinoma. Let’s not beat around the bush with this, chimney sweeps were at a much higher risk of testicular cancer. Allow me to repeat that and make every man in the country wince.

    Testicular cancer.

     

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    Everyman’s Guide To Table Tennis

    October 21st, 2012

     

    Not many sports are all that great when confined to a table. Table Rugby hurts a lot, Table Skiing is short-lived, and Table Chess is a lot like regular chess. But Table Tennis is the perfect blend of athleticism and, err, tables. Ever thought that tennis should just be smaller? Or that tables should have more activities occurring on top of them? Then table tennis is for you!

     

    Right, so let’s start from the top (spin!). Games of table tennis characteristically start with a serve. If you’ve ever caught a glimpse of a professional table tennis, you’ll know this consists of the following: Assume the pose of a hunchback; toss a tiny ball six inches upward; hit it; stamp loudly on the floor. It is crucial you do not forget that last part. I am not sure why.

     

    If the above all goes according to plan (SPOILER ALERT: It won’t), then begins the rally which, alas, is nowhere near as good as NASCAR. It’s hard to explain what to do at this point, but basically, if it doesn’t sound like the beginning of that Enrique Iglesias song, then you’re doing it wrong.

     

    After an undetermined amount of time, one player’s motor skills will be deemed insufficient and they will be declared the loser. Haha, loser! There’s not really much more to do at this point, except ensure that you are wearing those tiny, tiny shorts.

     

    Dem Bootys.


     

    This process repeats for some time until either fatigue or boredom sets in. For example, in the 1936 World Championshops in Prague, one rally lasted over an hour, with 12,000 shots played.The referee had to be replaced due to a neck injury. This here was the most interesting bit of trivia that I could find about table tennis, with the possible exception of the fact that socks are compulsory.

     

    Table Tennis is also refered to as ‘Ping Pong’, ‘Whiff Waff’ and ‘Flim Flam’, names apparently conjured up by progressively younger children. I’m not sure who decided that strictly using onomatopoeias was a good way to name sports. Following this convention, ten points if you can figure out what sports these are:

    1. Clip-Clop

    2. Splash-Splash-Splash-Splash-Spl…

    3. WhoooooooshThud- WhoooooooshThud- WhoooooooshThud

     

    There will be an awesome reward for the first person to post all three correct answers on our Facebook page!

     


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    Failed Letters (Friday Flashback)

    October 19th, 2012


     

    All I want is free things. Is that too much to ask? All too often, companies consider themselves too awesome to reply, like the two below. Now I may need to consider new tactics.
     

    —————————–
    TO:                customer.complaints@spar.co.uk
    FROM:       ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
    SUBJECT:   I scream for Ice Cream

     

    Dear Spar,

     

    You ever-comforting motto is: “There for you”. And in this instance, I certainly hope you will be.

     

    You see, I recently purchased a tub of your Rocky Road Ice Cream, but alas, I did not foresee the rocky road ahead of me! (Did you see what I did there? If not, don’t worry. It was just a small pun)

     

    I was hoping that, in terms of texture, this ice cream would be like a old country lane that has not been tended to in some time. But instead it was more like a recently tarmacked driveway. Whilst this is good if you are a road, it is most definitely bad if you are an ice cream that purports to be somewhat crunchy.

     

    In my average sized portion (I was careful not to exceed my RDA), I happened upon only two biscuity bites, and zero (0) marshmellow areas.

     

    I believe this to be very unfair, and even verging on false advertising, given the crazy amount of chunks seen on the packaging, and all of their jaunty angles that I long for so badly.

     

    I wonder what can be done to assist me in this matter. Perhaps the best course of action would be to send me a large packet of chunks…

     

    Look forward to hearing from you.

    Nathan O’Neill

    —————————–

    #MottoFailure…

    —————————–
    TO:               complaints@mcdonalds.co.uk
    FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
    SUBJECT:  I am disappoint

     

    Dearest Burger King, sorry, I mean McDonald’s,

     

    Thank you for being delicious, but unfortunately, I am emailing you because I have reason to complain.

     

    You see, just the other day, I ventured into Maccy D’s and purchased a Mayo Chicken Sandwich, and a Chicken Nugget Happy Meal (my plan was to add the nuggets to the burger, to make a double burger, and then insert the chips as some sort of carbohydrate lattice in order to maintain the structural integrity of the Nugget Burger TM, but perhaps this is beside the point).

     

    Anyway, my evening meal was somewhat ruined by the presence of some unwelcome guests. And by guests, I mean flies. And lots of them. Whilst I admire the fact that the great taste of McDonald’s has transcended the species barrier and happily entered the insect world, I simultaneously dis-admire the fact that these beasts were allowed to dine alongside actual humans. I am therefore calling for a Species Apartheid in all your stores. The only flies that I want near me when I’m dining are those attached to a pair of trousers, and even then, the number of said flies should be limited.

     

    My point is, I’m appalled at the presence of flies in your restaurant, and they managed to put me off my chips. I am therefore looking for some sort of reimbursement, and can assure you that a standard apologetic template will be insufficient to turn me back into the devoted, loyal customer that I once was. Or just free chips.

     

    I look forward to hearing from you soon

    Nathan

     

    —————————–

    I fear it is too easy for these faceless corporations to ignore one email. So two options now present themselves. Either to send HUNDREDS OF EMAILS! Or to write official looking letters and do actual post and things. Stay tuned

     

     


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    Running A Stall

    October 13th, 2012

     

    Freshers’ Fair is a mysterious time for everyone involved. These poor students have not only been thrust into a brand new academic institution, but they’re now being forced to amble meekly round a giant hall, trying not to make eye-contact with any stallholders, lest they be enamored and coerced into joining the Geneatric and Heraldic Society, or some other nonsense. Emails are written down with the handwriting of a farmyard animal as both a time-saving, and inbox-dignity-preserving, technique. And in order to be a successful stallholder, you must achieve the perfect blend of selling yourself and faux-enthusiasm. The only other job that requires this particular set of skills is that of the stripper clown.

     

    It is with all this in mind that TrendFlux set about taking the world by storm at various freshers’ fairs last week. The plan of attack was as follows: acquire readers, acquire writers, give away prizes. As a stallholder, it was my job to sufficiently confuse unsuspecting freshers and trick them into giving me their emails. This was achieved by asking awkward questions, such as “Are you funny?” and “Do you like to laugh?” (to this, one guy actually responded, “hahahah-no.”).

     

    The days were long and lonely, and I could feel myself slipping into a state of delirium as the hours dragged on. Thankfully, I was accompanied by Anna van der Zalm for a couple of hours each day who gave me lots of useful advice, such as “Stop dancing, it’s scaring everyone away.” Whilst this may be true, I was surprised that my stall wasn’t given more attention just due to how pretty it was…

     

     

    Other highlights include: the spritely youth who fist-pumped his way towards my stall, chanting “Yeah! Comedy!”; The Ballet Society who tried to leave some leaflets on my desk, which I unceremoniously binned as I watched them plié in to the distance; and when I got rejected by a woman I wasn’t even trying to pick up (“Hey, are you funny?” “Actually, my boyfriend is a comedian” -walks away-).

     

    As you can see, it was all fun and games, resulting in around 400 emails, and a ton of interest, but if you wanna see how things went in video form, then see what we got up to in Cambridge:

     

     

    And again, if you wanna win £100, Beldevere Vodka, a lovely jumper, and some delicious coke FOR FREE, then just click here and enter our huge prize giveaway!
     


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    Cadburys Comforts

    October 8th, 2012


     

    You know, throughout these letters, I’ve been quite demanding, perhaps a little rude, but it turns out (as always) that kindness is the way forward. I wonder what sorts of things I can get from now on, just by being polite..
    ——————————
    TO:               consumer.relations1@mdlz.com
    FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.com
    SUBJECT:  Nando’s Nonsense

     

    Dear Mr Cadbury Chocolate Man,

    Firstly, allow me to thank you vigourously for the deliciousness of your chocolate. Boy, do I love the way it slips down my throat like a purple-y velvet-y blanket. I would say I eat Dairy Milk on a regular basis. Maybe a little bit too regular, if my waistline has a say in the matter!
     

    Alas, there is a more pressing matter at hand. You see, my best friend Sarah is sad. If there is anyone in the world who loves Dairy Milk more than me, it is Sarah. Every time she snacks upon your choccy, she will send me a picture of her with chocolate in and around her mouth, the silly minx. We enjoy Dairy Milk so much, that we now simply refer to it as DM, in order to save time. I shall continue this practice throughout this missive.
     

    Recently, Sarah and her partner broke up, leaving little Sarah distraught. Now I don’t want to say her love of DM had anything to do with this, but you never know.. Anyways, Cadbury, I am sure you of all people are aware of how painful break-ups can be, especially following your demerger with Schweppes in 2008. I bet you miss them loads and think about them every day. Well, this is the same sad, sad situation that Sarah finds herself in, but you know what would help? DM! Thanks to its high level of theobromine, caffeine, phenylethylamine, and anandamide, chocolate is the surefire way to return Sarah to her usually jovial self.
     

    Therefore I ask, nay, beg you to send Sarah a goody bag of DM-related delights. It make her day, week, month, and year. Think of yourself as a modern day Tooth Fairy, except instead of exchanging teeth with money, you exchange tears with chocolate. Sounds fair, hey? Her address is [redacted]. I have even drafted a rough letter for your convenience:
     

    Dear Sarah

    I am sorry to hear about your present situation. Thankfully, there are many things in life to make you happier. One of those things is Dairy Milk. As such, please find enclosed chocolate/vouchers/money [delete as applicable].
     

    Hope this helps you to get better soon. Allow me to finish with a quote from Dr Seuss:
    “Don’t Cry Because It’s Over. Smile Because It Happened”
     

    All our love

    Cadbury
     

    Feel free to deviate from this fantastic template. If you have any other amazing ideas for Sarah, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I appreciate your assistance in this matter.

    Nathan O’Neill

    (P.S. How Exciting!!!)
     

    ——————————
    TO:               ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
    FROM:        consumer.relations1@mdlz.com
    SUBJECT:  RE: Nando’s Nonsense

     

    Hello,

    How wonderful to hear how much you and Sarah love our DM. We say Cadbury dairy milk in here, as in CDM. Anyway, I can’t send out any CDM but I will send out a little gift to try and cheer your friend up!

    Thanks, Susan

     

    ——————————
    ACTUAL LETTER

     

    Dear Sarah,

    I am writing to you in response to your friend Nathan’s recent email.
     

    He mentioned how much you both love Cadburys Dairy Milk (CDM) and how you need some cheering up.
     

    So as a special thank you, and to say I hope you feel better soon, I have enclosed a cow which I hope you will accept with my best wishes.
     

    Yours

    Susan Costella
     


     

    ——————————
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    Nando’s Nonsense

    October 6th, 2012


     

    There are two adjectives that I want to be using to describe my food at all times. Either ‘good’ or ‘free’. Much to my dismay, my experience at Nando’s contained absolutely none of the former, but will soon include a little bit of the latter. This will suffice.
     

    ——————————
    TO:               customercare@nandos.co.uk
    FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
    SUBJECT:  Nando’s Nonsense

     

    This is email is both complimentary, and COMPLAINentary, and as such, I wasn’t sure which department to send it to. Therefore I sent it to both.

     

    Firstly, I must congratulate you for the wondrous taste of the chicken at Nandos. You cook it up nice, just like my Nan-does. I realise this pun isn’t very good, because it’s neither homonymic nor homophonic, but I really am trying.

     

    The service was also delightfully fast, but this is where things took a sour turn (This is of no relevance to the fact that I ordered an extra helping of sour cream). By some impossible feat, our food arrived at the table before we had even returned from the till. Usually, I wouldn’t mind this kind of service, but since our food was left unattended for some time, it may well have been sabotaged. This kind of behaviour is unfortunately all too prevalent in this day and age.

     

    My second, and all the more pressing, point, is the number of chips I received. I looked down at my paltry (or should I say poultry!) portion, and my heart sank. I had only been given 23 chips. This may sound like an OK number, but after running a series of delicious experiments at similar restaurants, I can assure that my portion size was distinctly sub-average. As far as I’m concerned, having less than two dozen chips is unacceptable for a man of any appetite.

     

    Allow me to explain by way of an analogy: Imagine you were given two large egg boxes, expecting them to be filled with eggs (or in this case, chips). However, upon opening the second egg box, you find that you are missing one eggchip! This little anecdote surely goes some way towards explaining how sad the above occurrence made me.

     

    Overall, I was very displeased with my Nandos experience, and am wondering what you can do to cheer me up.

     

    All the best,

    Nathan

     

    (PS. Perhaps the best remedy to this problem would be to send me some chips in the post. However, if they arrive in my post box before I get there, I’m sure you are aware this will only succeed in making me more depressed)
     
    ——————————
    TO:               ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
    FROM:        customercare@nandos.co.uk
    SUBJECT:  RE: Nando’s Nonsense

     

    Dear Nathan,

     

    I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t enjoy your recent visit to Nando’s. We fully appreciate that having your meals arrive at the table before you must have been very frustrating experience for you. If something spoils your meal, we need to know about it so we can put it right. As such, could you please answer a few questions so that we can investigate this matter further?

     

    Which restaurant did you visit, along with the time and date?

    Did you speak to anyone at the restaurant regarding your food? If so, do you remember their name, or can you provide a description?

    Could you possibly send us a copy of your receipt if you still have it?

    Could you also tell us where abouts in the restaurant you were sitting?

     

    We look forward to hearing from you so we can begin to investigate your complaint.

     

    Kind Regards,

    Kirby Watson

     

    ——————————
    TO:               customercare@nandos.co.uk
    FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
    SUBJECT:  Nando’s Nonsense

     

    Hello Kirby!

    First off, awesome name.

    Second off, I shall try and answer your questions as conveniently and accurately as possible:

     

    Can you confirm where you sent your previous comments?

    Yes. I sent them everywhere, to all the email addresses available on your old and new website. Plus, I attempted to spew forth my opinions into any Comments Box that would accept them. I think I also sent it to Gourmet Burger Kitchen, purely out of confusion.

     

    Which of our restaurants did you visit, along with the time and date?

    I visited the Nando’s in Oxford Town Centre. I assume there is only one Nando’s in Oxford Town Centre, but I haven’t been out to check. I went with my friend Holly on the 6th October 2011. It was approximately dinner time. (Or Tea Time, as Holly would say, because she is Northern! Haha!)

     

    Did you speak to any staff regarding your food? Do you remember their name or appearance?

    Yes, I spoke to a waitress. I said: “Excuse me, is this a full portion of chips?” She said: “Yes.” So I said: “Oh.” I was then disappointed to see my friend’s portion of chips arrive, and she had much more than me. I counted. After this however, I was too embarrassed to say anything to the staff.

     

    I do not remember the waitress’s name, since I am not made of memory(!) but I vaguely remember her appearance. I have drawn a picture below. Perhaps you could ask any staff fitting this description if they remember the above correspondence?

    Can we have your receipt number?

    I’m afraid I don’t have the receipt anymore, since I am an avid recycler. Though I can have a guess at the receipt number if you like. I think it starts with a 2.

     

    Where were you sitting in the restaurant?

    As far as I recall, I was sitting on a chair pushed up close to a table. This table was at the far side of the restaurant and was positioned at a jaunty angle. This only contributed to my sense of unease.

     

    Hopefully these answers are sufficient for your investigation. I am hoping to receive some compensation for this incident, otherwise I (once a loyal Nando’s customer) will be forced to go to KFC. And nobody wants that.

     

    All the best,

    Nath

    ——————————

    I promptly received a voucher for one free meal in the post. One-Nil, Nandos. One-frickin-nil.

     


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