Posts by jj:
Top 10 Olympic Trivia!
July 29th, 2012
So the Olympics are well under way which means it’s the only thing that anyone is going to be talking about for the next two weeks. We figured what would be better than loading your brains with ten round of pub ammunition to impress your friends/potential lovers. Yes, we realise we have put this Top Ten in the Top Five category, but hey, this is TrendFlux! We’re about as flexible as a bed-ridden geriatric.
1. Only one white man in recorded history has ever run the 100m in under 10 seconds. Christophe Lemaitre, a French sprinter (I didn’t really need to specify he was a sprinter), has been clocked at 9.92 seconds. It’s safe to say Caucasians won’t be challenging Bolt any time soon… but we’ll always have cycling and swimming, so at leastwe’ve got two-thirds of the Triathlon sorted.
2. The first Olympic drug suspension wasn’t until 1968 where Hans-Gunnar Liljenwall, a Swedish pentathlete, was suspended because he tested positive for a banned substance. What was that substance I hear you say? Alcohol. He’d knocked a few cold ones back before shooting in the pentathlon. Classic Swede.
3. The Games used to last a lot longer. The 1908 summer games in London had its opening ceremony on April 27th, and its closing ceremony on… October 31st. Yup, if you came to see that, you weren’t a tourist, you’d immigrated!
4. At least one of the colours of the Olympic rings appears on every flag in the world. From left to right, they are Blue, Yellow, Black, Green, and Red. And if you want a mnemonic to remember that, try BYBGR, or BYeBlaGRe, or… Nah, I got nothing.
5. The only continents yet to host the Olympics are Africa and South America, a fact set to change with Rio in four years time. And London is the only city ever to host the games three times.
6. So Redgrave has five golds. Ppppfff! Kneel before Larisa Latynina, Steve! She was a gymnast from the former Soviet Union, and finished her Olympic career with 18 medals, the most in history, nine of which were gold! That’s enough precious metal to start your own mint.
She can smelt my coins, if you know what I mean! (I don't)
7. So Tom Daley was pretty young at his first games, but GB’s fallen short again! The youngest athlete in Olympics history was Greek gymnast Dimitrios Loundras. In 1896, he competed in Athens, at just 10 years old. He won a bronze medal, thereby causing all other tweenagers to feel completely inadequate.
8. In the skeet shooting event, the targets are clay pigeons. Entertaining, and nothing gets hurt! Not quite the same as in Paris in 190o, where the targets were real pigeons! The records show that the Belgian competator, Leon de Lunden, won the gold medal with a perfect score of 300 birds. Pigeons still mourn that day.
9. The very first champion winner of the Modern Olympics was James Brendan Connolly. He walked out of Harvard University when they refused to grant him leave of absence to participate. 52 years later, he was offered an honorary doctorate by the same University. He turned it down.
10. Roughly 3,600g of gold worth more than $193,250 will be used to plate the medals at the 2012 London Olympic Games, so Team GB better win them. I’m not giving our money away to just anyone!
So there you have it. 10 little snippets of info to whet your appetite for the greatest show on earth, all set in Queen Lizzie’s backyard (not sure where her frontyard is…)
Come on Team GB!
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Australazy
August 20th, 2011
Australians. I think it only fair that we treat them with the dignity and respect they deserve as a nation. They’re a country with a rich, proud history, whose people have included Nobel Laureates such as Howard Florey, for his work on penicillin, top sportsmen such as Ian Thorpe, who has won nine Olympic medals. Occasionally though, an Australian can come along who might just help to reinforce a negative stereotype which many may subscribe to, *cough Crocodile Dundee cough*
"Strewth, mate!"
Even for an Aussie, the next example I am about to bring forward may just have crossed the line in terms of the famous laid back Aussie attitude! A reportedly ‘sea crazy’ Australian helicopter pilot was arrested on the pocket sized island nation of Nauru in the middle of the Pacific Ocean after illegally landing on the outpost… in search of sweets and soft drinks! Granted it would have been more of a perfect story if this snack-searching sky captain was trying to find shrimp and beer, but life isn’t perfect.
The 24-year-old pilot is said to have landed on the beach with a passenger, before attempting to find, in his own words, “something in the way of a few snacks”. In the sugar addict’s defence, he had been stuck on a Taiwanese fishing vessel for over two months so he pleaded to police that he had gone ‘sea crazy’. He was arrested when he returned to his chopper after having his fill of what the supermarket sweet isle had to offer. He was then locked in the islands jail for 24 hours and faces a maximum £63,000 fine for unauthorised landing as well as penalties for breaching the Immigration Act. Now inflation is all over the place at the moment but that’s an expensive bag of Skittles in anyone’s book.
I don’t know what galaxy this guy comes from, but he must realise you’re not allowed to land your aeroplane anywhere you please. Maybe he was just stopping for a picnic? If only he’d kept his voice down to a wispa and stayed quiet, the police wouldn’t now have a bounty on his head. I’m sorry for this last paragraph, but you must appreciate that I revel in bad puns.
And I also love candy.
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Sevilla Soccer Shocker
June 10th, 2011
OMG! Someone in football did something positive! And it’s not the results of a drug test!
"Not this time"
There are two widely accepted facts in football, that the Barclays Premier League is the best league in the world, and that everyone in football is ultimately selfish. The next piece of information I am about to serve you puts both of these into question, and is about as refreshing as an ice-cold coke (from a glass bottle of course; we all know that’s better than from a can!). Someone in football has decided to break the trend of conforming to the money grabbing, underhand tactics preached by FIFA boss Sepp Blatter himself, and actually do something nice!
In an ultimate act of loyalty and selflessness, La Liga side Sevilla have decided to offer a season ticket to any loyal fan who loses his or her job during the next football season, absolutely free! That’s right, a football side has actually done something constructive within its community. In a time where the recession has left its bright red mark all over Europe, Sevilla has stepped out as a footballing maverick, soccer’s lone wolf, and shaken the hand of struggling fans rather than ripping what little cash they have left from it. The Andaluca region of the city of Seville was the worst affected area of Spain in terms of unemployment, and the club has responded to this, much to the delight of the people.
Their policy covers any employee holding a permanent position in the same company for more than a year, as long as they have worked over thirty hours a week. But, if your reading this in Seville and considering the double joy of punching your boss in the face and getting a season ticket out of it, the policy does not cover you if you’re fired for disciplinary reasons!
Sevilla finished 5th in La Liga last season but I think we’ll all genuinely be hoping they do just that bit better next time round with this act of generosity. But when your up against Messi AND Ronaldo, the never-ending love of an unemployed accountant might not be as useful as a top signing. Regardless, Sevilla, you did good!
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F1 Accident
June 7th, 2011
A crazed fan was fortunate to escape with all his limbs intact after attempting to vault a Formula One car! The incident occurred in Japan during a Red Bull demonstration to promote that golden-coloured rocket fuel that we all love. Torro Rosso (Yup, that’s Italian for Red Bull) driver Sebastian Buemi was performing some motor based wizardry in a car that costs more of your annual wages combined, but weighs less than the current amount of change I have in my pocket.
Buemi had just completed a series of doughnuts (much like a guy with the munchies at Krispy Kreme) before beginning a stretch which would have seen him pick up some speed to impress the onlooking crowd, when suddenly a man appeared from behind a promotional arch and attempted to launch himself over the cockpit of the vehicle. Sources close to no-one in particular believe that the fan thought that he had grown wings due to overexposure to Red Bull, and was attempting to fly along side the speeding car.
Fortunately, Sebastian reacted with the sort of lightning speed you would expect from a Formula One driver and managed to rapidly decelerate. The reason he was able to do this so quickly was because he was blinded by the pure stupidity of the man gallivanting gaily towards him, and his body shut down, lamenting the world in which it lived. The man was subsequently hit at a relatively low speed when he caught his ass on the far side of the car, before somersaulting away. He then bounced onto the cushion-like softness of the tarmac and his pulverised ribs were gently caught by wrought-metal railings.
"Mmm cosy..."
But forget the wounds to this juvenile chap, who gets the bill for the damage? With each set of carbon fibre infused, titanium sprinkled mirrors setting the teams back around a grand, Buemi might just need to get on the phone to Claims Direct. My guess would be either that this guy was hoping to impress the Japanese Olympic Committee or was bravely attempting a record-breaking plank on a moving F1 car. If the latter is the case, Sir, I salute you.
The current record holder
Ultimately I think we can all agree this guy needs to spend a bit more time working on his take off before he tries leaping over a car that can manage well over 200mph. If you’re interested in watching this Japanese maverick in action, follow the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZSl7pn-Lhw
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Douchiest Celebrities – Ashley Cole
May 28th, 2011
Ashley Cole is a footballer who played for Arsenal then Chelsea, and has even been named one of the best players in the world. However, anyone who frequents Stamford Bridge will inevitably be aware of the chants aimed in his general direction. So how could this Stepney born thirty-year-old football superstar be branded with the words ‘douche’ and ‘bag’ on his forehead by so many? Read on and you might just draw the same conclusion as the rest of us, by deciding that even though this man has a host of club medals, international caps and more money than Casanova’s favourite prostitute, he’s still just a bit of a douchebag!
Firstly, it’s his loyalty (and this is just on the pitch). Cole got his lucky break in 2000 by replacing an injured player in Arsenal’s first team. His hard work was rewarded by his manager, who kept him in that position for over five years. Arsenal lavished Cole through all of their glory of the mid 00s, in particular the fans, who are ‘Gunner’s till they die!’ But how does Mr. Cole repay this love? By secretly meeting Chelsea, a rival London club, to secure a pay rise, and move to Stamford Bridge in 2006. So this badge-kissing man who ‘would love to be captain of Arsenal one day’ moved to Chelsea for cash.
In relationship terms, the Arsenal fans did nothing wrong. They took Ashley out on some great dates, went to expensive restaurants, bought him diamonds, and loved him. But Ashley just laughed as he fucked Chelsea behind their backs, before moving out one day because Chelsea had a nicer flat and bigger dick! Without loyalty in football we have nothing, you can’t just start supporting a different club because your team finally loses, you stick with them through the good, and the bad. Unless you support West Ham; then you can change clubs…
Secondly, how can I put this, WHY CHEAT ON CHERYL COLE?!?! I don’t know about you, but I have worshipped at the altar of this Geordie Goddess for as long as I can remember, so what on earth possessed this cretin to cheat on TWICE FHM’s sexiest woman in the world, with a 30 year old secretary. I’m sure she must be a lovely looking girl but that’s the food equivalent of changing your order from an Epic Meal Time pizza, to half a tin of Soviet mystery meat!
What is this, I don't even..
And finally, let’s not forget that in February of this year, the man who we thought could not sink any lower in our expectations… shot a 21 year old! It wasn’t just any gun Ashley allegedly brought to training, but a .22 air rifle, the most powerful gun available without a license in the UK. He maintains that he did not realize the gun was loaded before he gunned down the innocent Tom Cowan, but there is no overlooking the fact that he must have aimed his gun at a stranger and pulled the trigger! If you’re a role model to young football fans across the globe, and a celebrity in the public eye, what possessed you to bring a gun to training? That’s like bringing football kit to an army barracks; it just doesn’t make sense!
At the end of the day it’s up to you. You may still love Mr. Cole for his ability to kick a ball, but my minds made up, and Ashley has cemented himself in the annals of douchebaggery. That’s another accolade for him to add to his collection then.
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Acting
May 25th, 2011
On the face of it, acting seems to be a pretty easy profession; most of the time you’re just running around pretending to be someone else. However, if that were really the case, then any self-respecting World of Warcraft enthusiast would be up for an Oscar. Most of you, it seems, would rather hide away in a dark room with your level 82 paladin, or remove one of your own limbs with a cheese grater, than find yourself in front of an audience.
If you should ever choose to follow in the footsteps of greats such as Laurence Olivier, Michael Caine, Marlon Brando or Jean-Claude Van Damme, then I’ve got a few tips from one fledgling actor to another.
1. Your chat is infinitely more important than your talent!
Always remember that your ability to talk the talk in a supremely cocky manner will serve you in much better stead than any training from RADA ever will. Case in point, Zac Efron. How else could a talentless Hollywood robot end up spearheading a teen money-making machine like High School Musical without having the ability to talk himself up as the King of Cool. That, and his dazzling good looks.
-Insert dreamy sigh here-
There’s no one but the scriptwriters to blame if the material is a little bit shoddy, but you’d think that Zac could deliver lines with a bit more realism and a little less… dog turd? Ultimately, in the acting game, if enough people hear that you’re the nuts, eventually they’ll believe it, so start spreading the word!
2. Offer something new, but not just for the sake of it!
This world is full of Jedwards convinced that if they do something annoying enough, someone will find it entertaining! Well, if you’re one of those people I have some bad news: it’s not quirky, ironic, or even ‘postmodern’, sometimes it’s just plain weird. For example, take the song 4’33″ by composer John Cage, in which the orchestra sit in silence for almost 5 minutes and listen to the audience. Intriguing, but not exactly entertainment.
So if you fancy a go at anything related to ‘the Arts’, make sure you stick within the realms of sanity. Otherwise, you might just find yourself out of pocket, out of time, and out of society. No one wants to pay stupid money at the West End to go and see ‘theatre’ where a man eats an IKEA cabinet, piece by Swedish piece, whilst a family of midgets brush their teeth (or do you?).
3. It’s not what you know; it’s who you know!
Sad as it may seem, its true. Even if you have the supreme emotional range of a hungry student at McDonald’s (this may not appear emotionally stretching at first glance but there’s: the frustration of the queue; the anticipation of the order about to be placed; the elation of holding a warm brown bag filled with high calorie goodies; and the satisfaction of a full stomach), you can still be pipped to the post by the acting equivalent of a blind sharpshooter. All it takes is for he or she to be family friends with the director, or worse still, intimately involved, if you know what I mean?!
"Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge"
It was my parents who imparted this depressing gem of advice unto me and they have always maintained, with the best intentions, that I should kiss as much ass as possible to try and get to the top. Once I’m there, I might just be in a position where I can give an acting part to someone genuinely deserving…
…or I may just give it to the twenty-year-old blonde with the cracking pair.
