Posts by Chris:

    Picking Up Girls

    September 19th, 2012


    First, it is important that I express my level of expertise on the matter. I have, at least once during my life, experienced the act of copulation first hand. My actual ‘first hand’ has experienced much more, unfortunately. For your reading convenience I have written four easy tips that will make you 100% irresistible to the opposite sex.


    1. Grooming

    Unless you are as dashingly handsome as Brad Pitt or are bio-luminescent, making your presence know in a club environment can be difficult. Why not try to increase the chances of someone appreciating your aesthetics by making sure you are always at your finest? This means shaving before you go out, brushing your teeth and having more than the usual biannual shower. Perhaps be as bold as to purchase some moisturiser or even some deodorant? In other words, spend more than the regular 5 minutes getting ready. Furthermore, consider how you dress yourself. Tank tops in winter? Not so much. Fur coat? You’re not Snoop Dogg. I would not dream of giving fashion advice beyond this; all I will ask is that you take care in what you wear.


    You're Doing It Wrong


    2. Always be drunk

    There are many different types of drunks, and thus some will benefit from this tip more than others. Don’t fret if you happen to be an aggressive drunk; some women take rather kindly to those more assertive types. Indeed, in the words of Machiavelli: if a women ‘is to be submissive, it is necessary to beat and coerce her’. Womanising isn’t exactly Machiavelli’s strong suit, so perhaps use a bit of your own interpretation with this one. At the end of the day, if you’re reading this, you probably lack that divine level of confidence you so greatly crave. If you’re always drunk, this shouldn’t be a problem. Need some confidence to approach that fine nine in a club? Drink. Similarly, going to the nursery to pick up your nephew? Knock back a few shots! You never know what may happen…


    3. Being nice


    Don’t ever do this. This repels girls quicker than a turd clears a swimming pool. Notice that jock in front of you with girls clawing at his abs? You better believe he didn’t get them by being a sweetheart and taking their grandmothers out for a carvery. The only thing he’s ever bought a female is a pack of condoms. He’s probably the world’s biggest ass, and that is why he is getting the world’s most ass. So, why not give it a try? You might be surprised.


    4. Patience

    So you text this girl every day. A typical conversation may involve something along the lines of “Heya bbz, wuu2 guurl. Howz ur cat? Tb xxxxx”. Next time you’re reading through your messages, why not look to see how many times you have instigated the conversation over her? If the balance is wildly leaned towards you, maybe slow down a bit. It’s often not what you do, but what you don’t do. If she wants to talk to you, she will. The rule of patience also applies to the amount of girls you find. The chances are, you are not as much of a hit with the ladies as Justin Beiber; picking up women takes time and persistence. So if it’s been a month of hardcore partying and no luck, don’t fret, keep your head high and man the hell up! Men don’t cry; they’ve just been cutting onions…


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    Pimping Your Uni Room

    October 23rd, 2011


    Please forgive me for slanting this article somewhat towards the late teens/early 20s; I figured if you’re 12 years old, you either don’t know what a pimp is or aren’t interested in the opposite sex yet. If your 30 and up, I’m sure you have more important things to worry about, like paying for your kid’s tuition or, if you’re a lazy bum, finding a job. However, if you do fit within the criteria and are looking to create that perfect bachelor pad you’ve always dreamt of, please, I implore you to read on.


    ”This is MY room and I’m proud of it!”

    Perhaps you are a regular at your local discotheque and are sharing an apartment with your mate. Or maybe you are lodging in student accommodation and are planning on experiencing some wild and adventurous nights. Whatever your situation, no one’s gonna be impressed if your room resembles some sort of dingy, abandoned clothes factory that smells like gone off asparagus. So, my first top tip (and it may seem a little obvious) is to keep the room tidy and well ventilated. You’d be surprised what sort of smells you (and only you!!) become accustomed to over the course of the day. After all, this is YOUR room, take pride in it! Keep those sheets cleaned regularly and make sure your clothes aren’t rotting, unloved, in a squalid pile somewhere on the floor.


    Think ‘colour scheme’:

    I wouldn’t want to rule out any specific colours as they all work in their own individual way; just consider that guys tend not to appreciate exceptionally girly rooms, and girls probably won’t approve of a colour scheme they’d expect to see in Early Learning Centre. Sure, comic book themed bed sheets may be alternative and a little cheeky, but I can assure you, those superheroes will be getting more action than you will. You can rarely go wrong with neutral white and creams, as they tend to fit with any colour your furniture and accessories may be. Consider what each colour says about you.


    E.g. Red says, "I AM THE DEVIL AND I WANT YOUR SOUL!!!"


    Setting the mood:

    If you want to create the ultimate seductive setting, think of ways you can set the mood. This doesn’t necessarily mean taking interior design inspiration from a pimp’s lair; it can simply mean creating a relaxing and inviting atmosphere. Purchase some nice speakers and create an appetising ‘chilled’ playlist to accompany them. Cover your bed from head to toe with warm, comforting throws (eg. NOT the type of throws performed in Judo) and pillows. If, like the majority of us, you can’t fit a sofa in your room, your bed should provide the perfect substitute. If you have a TV, use it to your advantage by keeping a few light-hearted and cleverly selected DVDs lying around. Or better yet, turn your TV into a fireplace or a peaceful beach sunset, and just use it to set the scene.


    Nice Job, Modern Society.


    Decoration/ lighting:

    No one likes an empty room. Consider how you can make it that little bit more homely by adding a few decorative items here and there. For the try-hards out there, you don’t need to prove your sexuality by having your walls riddled with pictures of scarcely clad models and actors. Indeed, quite the opposite. Leave that to the adolescents and late bloomers. If you have been inspired by a country you once visited on your ‘gap yah’, or are of quirky descent, why not demonstrate your more cultured side by having a poster or memorabilia of said destination and a eccentric story to accompany it? Furthermore, don’t turn a blind eye to the floor. Never underestimate the appeal a simple rug can create in helping to fill those larger rooms.


    As for lighting, make sure your room is capable of providing both bright and dim light to suit any occasion. Such as dropping a pound coin down the side of the bed; you’re gonna wanna find that! Candles aren’t a bad idea either as they can be quite alluring whilst also providing refreshing aromas to cover up those odours we discussed earlier. Finally, pick up a mini fridge and keep it regularly stocked with various delights, indulgences and beverage to ensure your guests feel well looked after and attended to.


    All in all, following these steps should give your room a bit of a reputation as ‘the place to be’. And even if you actually never get any visitors, at least people will think you do.


    Want more from this author? Try The Top 5 Worst Places To Live

    Or for a related article, read yesterday’s post about Being Socially Acceptable

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    September 8th, 2011


    Having been travelling in Mexico several times in my life, I feel it is time to get a little festive and share my joy of tequila. After all, what single word do we associate with Mexico more than ‘tequila’? Okay maybe ‘sombrero’, but I can confirm that no one besides your typical tourist trying to fit in wears those anymore. Sorry folks.


    "Whatchu talkeen' about, esse?"


    Anyway, upon my arrival home, accompanied with some of the finest anejo tequila currently in production, I was delighted by the stellar response my amateur collection received with my amigos. Unfortunately their reaction to the taste was as much of a non-event as that so called’Judgement day‘ which was supposedly meant to transpire sometime earlier this year. Apparently God didn’t get the memo. If you are one of those less enlightened individuals who knows little or nothing about tequila, read on and I will attempt to pass on the wisdom of my Mexican professors.


    Let’s start with the basics shall we? Tequila is a spirit produced in Mexico using fermented agave sap. If you think tequila tastes like crap (and I can understand why given that it is typically served with lime and salt chasers to neutralise the taste) try mezcal. Manufactured with largely similar ingredient, mezcal contains oven cooked agave which, unlike tequila, is typically only distilled once and it really shows in the taste. Tequila generally comes in two distinct colours: transparent (silver/blanco) or a light to dark brown (gold/reposado/anejo). The more upmarket tequila is produced using the rarer blue agave which is predominantly found in the mountainous region of Jalisco.


    This is me, pretty much


    The longer the tequila has been aged for, the more ‘golden’ it gets, essentially meaning a silver tequila has been bottled right after the distillation process and is not aged. I would advise you steer clear of these types of tequila as they have a kick like a mule and provide a hangover experience much like this. Either sink ‘em as shooters or use ‘em as mixers; these tend to be up to half the price of gold tequilas.


    The reposado tequila is typically aged for 2 to 12 months within a barrel, giving it that light brown colouring. A favourite among Mexicans, repasado is smoother than the silver yet typically still contains that strong tequila taste. Drink this with lime and salt or with a beer. Finally, my personal favourite is the anejo. Aged for more than 12 months, anejo is the smoothest drinking and apparently sippable version of tequila. This type is not to be wasted as a ‘pre lash’. It is to be enjoyed like a fine whisky. As you would expect, the longer the aging process, the more expensive it gets. Unfortunately, as with most things, you get what you pay for so don’t expect to be wooed by a £7 bottle of Sainsbury’s basics.


    Spot the difference


    At this point, you will still probably remain unconvinced that tequila even has glimmer of hope as far as taste is concerned. After all, you only order it in clubs because you’ve already had a vodka and a sambuca shot and you wanna mix things up a bit. For the most part, I would agree with you, so as part of my guide I highly recommend you avoid budget artificially coloured silver tequila and instead opt for the real thing. My personal favourites include Don Julio, Tres Mujeres and 1800 – all produced by traditional Mexican families. These will, however, set you back around £40-£50 but are cheaper if bought locally. So if you’re in and around Mexico, pick yourself up a bottle or two and experience the smooth sipping ‘real McCoy’ as I have done. My only concern now is who do I share mine with?


    Want more from this author? Try a review of Bad Teacher

    Or for a related article, how about The Everyman’s Guide To Drinking

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    Worst Places To Live – Iraq

    August 14th, 2011


    Firstly, I feel it necessary to say that this article isn’t intended as some sort of racist rambling with patriotic western undertones. Nope, it turns out that Iraq has been acknowledged by a company called Mercer to be the worst place to live in the whole world, and for good reason. What is perhaps more shocking is that the Mercer is of American origin. Anyway, I am not here to make political speculations but to give the facts. As a pre-emptive warning, however, next time you consider Iraq as a hot retirement spot, I would urge you read on and perhaps consider somewhere less inhospitable like, say, the Amazon rainforest.


    From a purely geological perspective, Iraq actually has some rather solid foundations which, given differing circumstances, could have created a somewhat rich and prosperous nation. Iraq is attributed with a large amount of wealth associated with its vast supply of natural crude oil. Official figures estimate approximately 143 billion barrels-worth, which can officially be classed as ‘a shitload of barrells’, all buried beneath their rich and fertile desert.


    Yeah, fertile.


    Shamefully, this immense supply of natural resources has led to the country’s downfall with smuggling and corruption hugely hindering their exports. Furthermore, the oil supply has created serious tensions as the BBC states “The country remains volatile. And disputes with the autonomous Kurdistan Region over the oil-rich city of Kirkuk have threatened to derail progress towards political stability.” Which, to be honest, doesn’t sound very good.


    On a sunnier note, the weather in Iraq is notably hotter than one can expect to find in Europe. “Good news!”, you might say. But of course, you’d be wrong. Especially if you’re European. Let me bring you back to the summer of 2003 when Europe was hit by its biggest heat wave in history. In France, temperatures soared above 40 degrees, resulting in 14,802 heat-related deaths. I don’t really know what constitutes a heat-related death, but it must be something other than ‘melting’.



    Compare Europe’s heat wave with Iraq’s highs in summer (around 48 degrees) and you begin to get the picture. One benefit of the intense heat for those who like their food fast: the directions on baked beans cans simply read ‘just pour and eat’. On a similar note, Iraq is highly susceptible to drought with as many as 25% of homes in Baghdad remaining entirely disconnected from water supply networks.


    According to Transparency International, the Iraqi government is the most corrupt government in the world, despite being in part established under the beady eye of the west. Which brings us to our next itsie bitsie issue Iraq suffers from. Although all countries aside from the United States have officially withdrawn their troops from Iraq, let us not underestimate our western descendants’ capacity for violence. Statistics have shown US troops alone have killed 14 assumedly unarmed journalists. Thanks to wikileaks, as many as 100,000 civilians have been killed in the conflict (although there is evidence to suggest the figure is far more substantial) yet only 55,000 Iraqi insurgents are dead. That’s not a good ratio. My advice to anyone living in Iraq would thus be to run for the hills, I hear ‘they climbin in yo windows and snatchin yo people up’!



    On the flipside, with the western efforts to create a politically stable Middle-East, a lot positive changes have occurred. A poll in 2005 by the British Ministry of Defence revealed that a whopping 1% of Iraqis believe that Coalition forces have improved security since their arrival. That’s pretty good! Right? However, this is somewhat overshadowed by the average time Baghdad homes have electricity per day, which has fallen from around 20 hours per day pre-war to just about 6. So, for a staggering 18 odd hours every day, Iraqis find themselves denied the basic human right that is to check one’s Bebo account! So find a charity, and please, give generously.



    Want more?

    5. Space
    4. North Korea
    3. The Amazon Rainforest
    2. Iraq
    1. Coming Soon


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    Bro Code

    July 12th, 2011


    The ‘Bro Code’ is an ancient constitution dating back to biblical times, forged from the combined wisdom of countless generations of bros. It is not something to be taken lightly or overlooked; it should be treated with the utmost respect at all times. To some of you, this guide may appear to be common sense, and so, I grant you the status of ‘true bro’. Go, you! And to the rest, shame on you. Read what follows, soak it up and improve as human beings.


    The “bro code” is essentially a set of guidelines based around how a man should interact with his fellow male and how they should uphold their masculinity as ‘bros’ (Close female friends can achieve bro status, but only if they’re super awesome). It’s a way of non-verbally telling your compadre “I respect you” and to breach such a sacred tradition should thus be treated as a crime against humanity.


    On a par with treason


    To imply the ‘bro code’ is simplistic enough to fit into a short online article is close to blasphemy, so I feel it necessary to express that this is simply a rundown of some of the basics.


    How To Carry Oneself

    This section, as far as I’m concerned, is almost entirely common sense. If you see a bro wandering around alone, hasten to his rescue, as social standards dictate that people who go out alone are weird. Peacocking is great, but be certain to never upstage your bros. If they are all dressed like farmyard animals, instead of going for the obvious King of the Farmyard Animals and being the Cockerel, maybe considering going as a Power Ranger. The pink one.


    "Hi Guys!"


    Less obvious rules include things such as: A bro should never dance with his hands above his head. Sorry fellas, that means no Jersey Fist pumping. And believe me, no one is more upset to hear this than I. The plus side is that you no longer feel obliged to join in with the YMCA dance


    Handling Social Interaction

    Blimey, I sound like a psychiatrist for socially handicapped people. Now onto the ball busting, heavy industry stuff, the stuff that really matters. The part where we cast aside our own selfish desires and acknowledge our fellow bro. Under NO circumstances should a bro belittle another bro in order to increase his chances of scoring some tail.


    And not that kind


    Sure, a little friendly competition never hurt anyone, but take it too far and it immediately places you among the world’s biggest douches (not to mention it makes your bromigo look like a tool). If you were a celebrity, you’d almost certainly be featured in Top Five Douchiest Celebrities, it’s that serious. A bro should always big up their fellow bro, in a similar manner you would expect a ‘wingman’ to do so. The chances are the favour will be returned somewhere along the road so why not start that partnership now?


    God forbid your nose ring and pink hair have somehow persuaded the opposite sex to engage in conjugal activity with you – in doing so you’ve earned yourselves certain rights! How exciting for you! From this sordid act onwards, your bro is to understand that the subject of your desires is ‘yours’ until further notice. He or she may not end up being ‘yours’ in the long run (indeed the individual may have been passed around like the ketchup bottle at a barbecue), but irrespectively, it is still necessary to gauge the situation.


    Should this person ask about your bro, beg, steal, borrow and lie to make his chances as good as they can get. Again, it all returns to the central point in my eye: respect. Not only for yourself in terms of how you come across, but also and more importantly, how you show respect to your bros.


    I feel a tad bad posting this as there is so much I simply couldn’t include! I have only scratched the surface of the sacred world of “bro-dom” but hopefully I have inspired you to take the red pill and not the blue. In this case, ignorance isn’t bliss.


    Should your brain crave more enlightenment, feel free to drop a comment below!


    Want more from this author? How about a review of L.A. Noire

    Or for a related article, try The Everyman’s Guide To Picking Up Girls

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    Worst Places to Live – North Korea

    July 9th, 2011


    Following on from the previous entry in the series, one could quite viably claim North Korea to be a somewhat dreamy place to reside in comparison. An abundance of brilliant commodities such as breathable air, local shops and water supply makes North Korea worthy to only the most noble of inhabitants. I’ve done some research and I’m pretty sure most countries have these at least one or more of these luxuries so I think it would be a tad taxing to find a place you’d want to live in less than space. As those incessant nitwits Kirstie and Phil off the TV always said, when buying property, the three most important things to consider are ‘location, location and location’ which clearly leaves a lot to be desired if you were to settle beyond the earth’s ozone layer.


    Anyway, I digress… North Korea, in my view, can be summed up in one word: bizarre, and not in a good way. I expect the people of North Korea aren’t aware of what happens beyond the confinement of their very secretive and mysterious nation, but for us potentially more diversified individuals, it is possible to see the blatant ridiculousness of their society.


    Firstly, I’d like to give a shout out to North Korea’s own fashion icon, demigod and golfing phenomenon. Enter Kim Jong-Il. It is rumoured that he shot a staggering 38 under par with five holes-in-one in his first round of golf; some 25 shots better than the best round of golf ever recorded. Not only that, but he also invented the hamburger and is loved and admired the world over as a role model statesman. Sounds like the kind of guy you’d wanna meet, right?





    Sadly, these ‘facts’ are more fictional than every season of Star Trek combined and it is exactly this sort of madness and naivety which has helped forge the backward country that is North Korea. Watch that tongue of yours if you do ever get the distinguished pleasure of meeting him; Kim is apparently rather partial to casual displays of torture, street executions and slave labour. All of which are akin to national hobbies in terms of how often citizens participate in such activities. To accompany this, the old chap apparently has as many as 200,000 political prisoners chilling in camps and jails somewhere around the country.


    North Korea is one of the last existing Communist states in the modern world. Hardly surprising considering every revolution in history that has tried to create an effective Communist society has failed. Combine this with the fact that the average person in North Korea makes the equivalent of around $1,000 a year and Capitalism doesn’t seem all that bad. As the BBC so delicately states in their country profile, “North Korea’s command economy is dilapidated, hit by natural disasters, poor planning and a failure to modernise”.


    Furthermore, it is estimated that around two million people have died since the mid 1990′s as a result of economic inefficiency and natural disasters. It would seem Kim Jong-Il is far too busy looking at things to even attempt any forward thinking plans for progress.



    My personal favourite from the website linked above.


    What is perhaps most bizarre about North Korea, however, is the settlement of Kijong-Dong. I say ‘settlement’ but really what I mean is ‘skeleton ghost town with no inhabitants’, built at vast expense, right on the boarder of South Korea to give the illusion of a prosperous and thriving nation. I can’t help but wonder why such expenditure couldn’t have been used to provide actual housing and in some manner benefit an already fickle and poverty stricken country. Anything, even something as trivial as a bowling alley or an ice cream shop, would be more beneficial than creating an uninhabited ‘propaganda village’ which has apparently seen little to no success in attracting South Korean defectors.


    Sadly, your hopes and dreams of ever living there are about as likely as Mr. Blobby curing AIDS. Excluding the obvious long-term rivalry with South Korea, North Korea keeps itself to itself, and I would personally like it to stay that way.


    Want more?

    5. Space
    4. North Korea
    3. The Amazon Rainforest
    2. Iraq
    1. Coming Soon



    Bad Teacher

    June 28th, 2011


    Oh no, another chick flick!”, I hear you cry. “How many wretch-worthy romanticisms am I going to have to face in a film starring both Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake!?” Usually, I would be agreeing with you, as these kinds of films very often have you cringing in embarrassment. A typical rom-com would have more clichés than the family portrait of a particular Man City footballer. However in this film, both Miss Diaz and Mr Timberlake fit their respective roles perfectly and there is certainly more to this film than the trailer lets on. Yes, it is filled with corny humour and shed loads of sexual references but in this instance, it works.


    I asked a friend if he had seen Bad Teacher and he replied with all the intelligence of a bewildered goose, saying, “Yeah, it’s about this teacher who’s, like, really bad.” As flagrantly retarded as his statement was, he wasn’t far off. The plot concerns a brazen gold-digger, Elizabeth Halsey, who is forced to revisit her work as a primary school teacher after being dumped by her multimillionaire fiancé. Diaz, who plays said teacher, is on the hunt for a rebound, and decides that breast enlargements are the best way for her to secure her next sugar daddy boyfriend. Hardly a role model for young kids but hey, it’ll have to do. And personally I don’t know of any students who would complain if their new teacher was curvier than a protractor.


    "mmm, sexy"


    After discovering that the new substitute teacher, Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake), has a large family fortune of his own, he is placed squarely within Halsey’s sights. Scott, with his avant-garde dress sense, dreamy Audi R8 and supposed heart of gold, catches not only the attention of Miss Halsey, but also the hyper workaholic teacher, Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch). Miss Halsey takes matters into her own hands when she learns of a prestigious cash prize for the highest achieving teacher, indulging in all manner of illegal acts including, but not limited to, sexual indecency and theft.


    It’s a pretty absurd story line, but not one that is so overly preposterous that it taints the overall experience ( unfortunately, the same can’t be said about the film ‘Knowing ‘, where after deciding that they didn’t know how to wrap up the plot, they just added aliens ). Indeed, it helps to promote the light-hearted and uplifting feel that the film no doubt intended to achieve. With plenty of bumps and twists along the way, it’s an amusing story which, much like a swimming pool for toddlers, doesn’t have any unnecessary depth.


    Yeah, this isn't good...


    All in all, this film surprised me. Obviously I wasn’t expecting great things, but after watching it, I would even go as far as to recommend this film as a fairly accomplished rom-com with a relatively frequent influx of laughs along the way.


    3.5/5 "A fairly accomplished rom-com"


    Want more from this author? How about The Everyman’s Guide To Picking Up Girls

    Or for a related article, try a review of The Hangover Part II

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    Sean Kingston Crash

    May 31st, 2011


    Sean Kingston, singer / songwriter extraordinaire (more like ‘extraordi-nah’), has been hospitalised after a jet ski accident at the end of May. The accident has left both him and another female passenger severely injured but they are both in stable conditions, and are merely in hospital pending further treatment.


    The pair were said to have been driving recklessly around Miami’s waters when they crashed headfirst into the Palm Island Bridge between MacArthur Causeway and Miami Beach Islands at 6pm on Sunday 29th May. You would’ve thought that if there was one item that you would be on the look-out for whilst jet-skiing, it would be the fearsome bridge, water-goers’ biggest nemesis. However, the fact that they tend to be large and stationary means they are generally avoided without too much effort. Perhaps Sean was unable to swerve out of the way because he was distracted by the ‘Beautiful Girl’ who was riding along with him. After the collision, it is thought that there was a ‘Fire Burning’ on the jet-ski wreckage. I will stop with these awful puns now, namely because these are the only two Sean Kingston songs anyone has heard of.


    How many songs Sean has made.


    Thankfully for Sean, help was at hand! The all-powerful Justin Beiber and Hollywood’s largest forehead, Rihanna, have both offered their prayers via twitter. However, neither were able to visit their pal in hospital. But that’s no problem because I’m sure Mr. Kingston has his smartphone by his side, constantly refreshing the ‘PrayForSean’ hashtag on his Twitter page. But on a less sarcastic note, more direct help was actually at hand from a nearby sailor, described as a ‘good Samaritan’, who saw the entire accident and was able to safely extract both victims of the crash from the water until the Miami Beach Rescue Service arrived and transported them to hospital.


    Once at hospital, Sean was found to have suffered a fractured wrist, and a broken jaw, and he had water in his lungs. However, he is expected to make a full recovery. My main concern is not Sean’s physical injuries but the fact a witness said he “was coughing up blood, foam and pink stuff”. I’m no doctor, but the only foamy pink stuff that I think could possibly be inside a human is champagne. Lots and lots of champagne. I would have thought Sean would have known better than that.


    "I'm Sorry"


    The medical staff also carried out a full psychological analysis and determined that, contrary to popular belief, Sean Kingston was not “Suicidal… Suicidal”.



    L.A. Noire

    May 26th, 2011


    You may assume that the title to “L.A. Noire” is in some manner related to the political nature of the police cases. If you did assume as such, an ‘ass’ had indeed been made out of ‘u’ since you’d be mistaken. Not ‘me’ though, I’m the reviewer. If you are looking for a genuine, blockbusting 9/10, look elsewhere. This game has more bugs in it than, like, that bug-infested log in the Lion King. You know the one. However, if you’re like most casual gamers but have a slightly inflated capacity for patience, these can be overlooked to reveal a fairly accomplished, never-before-seen experience.



    The game displays impressive attention to detail when it comes to creating an immersive atmosphere. The designers have really gone to town on the town, really driven it hard with automobile design, suited up nicely for costumes and have saved face with appearances. Embarrassing puns aside, the combination of the above entangle the player in an authentic, diverse world of the late 1940s to early 1950s era. The music does a good job with that raw romantic saxophone sound and soft jazz piano. Shame it just falls short due to dreary repetition.


    The game mechanics is an area which really disappoints in Rockstar’s latest addition. Rockstar, after the inevitable patch, would argue that with games this big there are always bound to be small areas that testers have missed. However, this sort of excuse has fallen on the deaf ears and sore thumbs of gamers too often. It is baffling how, after so many open world games, they cannot have cracked the control system by now. Controlling not only the car, but more disappointingly your character, is fiddly and imprecise. I chuckled to myself as I watched my detective climb a small ledge like some sort of arthritic gorilla as my suspect disappeared into the wilderness of the urban jungle; it really is that scandalous on occasions.


    The aces up its sleeve are the voice acting and facial detail. The quality of the facial animation is beyond reproach – it is leaps and bounds ahead of anything ever seen in video gaming history. Hyperbolic, but true. Furthermore, each actor’s facial expressions have been meticulously detailed, down to every brow twitch and eye movement, using state of the art sensor technology which maps the face of an actor directly onto the in-game characters. Such technical wizardry helps create a highly authentic experience when it comes to interrogating each suspect, even if it is a little slow paced.



    As one would expect from a game centred upon intuition and intellect, if you expect to be solving every case based upon a character’s expressions, think again. Remembering clues and witness statements which link suspects to crime scenes and their knowledge of unforeseen events is central to the game. To that note, incorrectly accusing suspects of lying can result in the most hilariously inappropriate comments. I pressed ‘doubt’ when my interviewee gave his alibi, this resulted in Detective Phelps declaring something along the lines of “You’re insane!! I knew it, you skydived from Mars brandishing a pipe and beat her to death before bribing the nearby swans into silence!!” Ludicrous, but amusing nonetheless.


    Patience is a virtue, and a necessary one if you are to enjoy playing through L.A. Noire. If you like popping noggins, blowing up buildings and generally being a menace, look elsewhere; the gunfights are great fun but sporadic (as the game only allows you to draw arms during specific points) and searching houses becomes a little repetitive.


    It is clear the game was designed with the mature player in mind, especially given the disturbing nature of some of the cases and the occasional bit of gore. Futhermore, diligence is required in abundance. If this is a quality you possess (yes, I am implying the existence of patient gamers) then give it a shot. Avoid walkthroughs at all cost, relax and engage brain. You may find it to be a rewarding experience.


    3/5 "More like L.A. Blah, and it had so much promise"