Anthony Dunkley - TrendFlux

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    Kim And Kanye’s Kourtship

    April 14th, 2012


     

    It’s something that was bound to do the rounds eventually. We all know the fairytale. Very very white socialite meets gangster rapper, they’re seen together shopping, and then the speculation begins. That’s right. In TrendFlux’s big breaking news story this week, we can reveal that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have become a couple!

     

    The last time that young miss K was swept off her feet, a sex tape was the end result. Bearing in mind that this occurred after there had been rumours of her entering a relationship… with a rap star… and this is all starting to sound a little familiar.

     

    Fingers crossed!

     

    People started to realise something was up when Kanye released his new song, Theraflu, which includes the lyrics “And I’ll admit, I fell in love with Kim/Round the same time she had fell in love with him/Well that’s cool baby girl, do ya thang”. Apart from the appalling spelling, this is yet another example of West wearing his heart on his sleeve. Good on you, Kanye, finally getting over that shy side you’ve always seemed to have. And all this from a song named after a cough medicine.

     

    He also scorns Cashdashian’s ex Kris Humphries, claiming he would have had Jay Z drop him from the New York Nets. Whilst that may seem like quite a bold claim, we’re not surprised since Kanye’s arrogance is as large as the Greek deficit at the moment! (that’s right, jokes here can be sophisticated too)

     

    Well, there you go. That’s the story. It’s not really news; it’s more like a poor adaptation of something E! ‘News’ would do. To be honest, I’m not even that bothered about this. I just wanted another reason to rip on Kanye West.

     

    UPDATE: According to an exclusive story from MediaTakeOut, this whirlwind romance was in fact just that. Kim Kardashian and Kanye or, as I hope the press never refers to them, ‘KKK’ have ended their relationship just as quickly as it started. Apparently Kim was planning on bringing the camera crew for her reality TV show along on Kanye’s tour and that, it seems, was the last straw for the rapper. I can only assume that he said to Kim, “Look, Kan ye just give it a West, please?”

    I’ll let myself out.

     


    Want more from this author? Try The Everyman’s Guide To Dealing With Delays

    Or for a related article, how about news of Katie Price’s relationship

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    Everything From 2011 (Anthony Dunkley)

    January 5th, 2012


     

    Now that the New Year has started, we at TrendFlux figured what better way to celebrate than to write about our Top 5 Everything from 2011, divided into five easy-to-follow categories? Each writer has endeavoured to write such an article for your enjoyment, so to read more of these, just click here
     

    TV show: Blue Mountain State

    For me, Blue Mountain State was the best discovery of the year. It airs on Spike TV in the states, and on MTV over here in Blighty. The show depicts a university (that’s a ‘college’, if you’re a yank) with plenty of sex, drinking, drugs, and sport. Apparently, all universities are like this, but mine seems only to contain lonely nights, crying, and Kleenex…

     

    I also enjoyed Fresh Meat a lot. Yes, yes, I realise this isn’t exactly original or whatever, but who says you have to be ‘different’ anymore? I just want the right to what I want. WHY IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND SOCIETY?!? But yeahâ… Fresh Meat was good.

     

    Game: FIFA 12

    I am a self-confessed retard when it comes to video games (as anyone I have ever lived with can vouch for), so I have become very bitter about the whole experience of gaming. However, Fifa 12 is banging. I enjoy the game so much, I even feel the need to apologise on my friends’ facebook walls for playing it too much (they also muttered something about me constantly losing 5-0)!

     

    Video Clip:
     

     

    2011 (and the latter part of 2010) was (were) the year(s) that the Filmcow franchise thrived on Youtube. Filmcow were responsible for loads of brilliant animated episodes like ‘Detective Mittens’, ‘Llamas with Hats’ and ‘Charlie the Unicorn’. I have spent a fair bit of my time laughing as a result. And isn’t that what life is really about? Well, that and money. Lots of money.

     

    Song: Bon Iver – Towers
     

     

    When it comes to music, who else but the most amazing man to hit this planet? No, not Jesus (he was dropped by Sony after creative differences). BON IVER, of course! His song ‘Towers’ is a beautiful folk ballad, typical of his new approach into a genre previously unexplored by many in the industry. The new album is amazing, keep listening to it.

     

    Person:

    My favourite person this year has been YOU. If you’re reading this, you’re clearly on TrendFlux, which means you are supporting this website and therefore I thank you. Not for me, but for co-founders Nathan and Toby, because they’re always asking me for new material but I forget! They’ve also given me a fantastic platform on which I can be heard. If you want in like me, just click here. This is my way of saying thank you. Any fan of TF is a friend of mine! (excluding the obvious. Please stop coming to my house. You know who you are. And stop calling.)

     


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    Kim Jong-Ill

    December 19th, 2011


     

    Ding Dong. Kim Jong Il is dead.
     

    I have to be honest, when I heard about news early this morning, I wasn’t particularly surprised. Partly because I’d kind of forgotten who he was. I saw the facebook status, the twitter updates… Next stop google (yep, okay, I remember him), and cue a mass exodus of people going straight to Sickipedia.org. Yes, there are already jokes on there at the time of writing, 33 minutes after the story broke.
     

    KJI, as I have decided to snazzily call him, was born in either 1941 or 1942 (for some reason, people disagree. You think it would be pretty obvious: ask the parents?) to a Korean exile fighting for the Russians and a Communist politician. When you put it that way, he didn’t really stand a chance, did he?

     

    "Oh, herro!"

     

    He had a brother, Shura Kim, who drowned when he was about 4. People say it could have been KJI who did it. His mother also died in childbirth. Unconfirmed reports say that she was shot and bled to death. Yeah yeah, we get it, by Kim Jong-Il.
     

    As a young tyke, lil’ Kim was a right ol’ Marxist (perhaps the oddest sentence I’ve ever written). He even tried to influence his older classmates against a fascist regime. Or in plain simple terms, he was that annoying younger kid who older kids used to pat on the head and nod before laughing hysterically after he had tottered away.
     

    But by far the biggest moment of his life when he successfully auditioned for the part of ‘Kim Jong Il‘ in Team America. He had to fight off the likes of Brad Pitt and Rowan Atkinson for the role, but he got there in the end and received praise for his accurate portrayal. By all accounts, I’m pretty sure this actually happened.
     

    Whatever you remember him for, whether it be the small matter of a repressive society he pretty much single handedly controlled, or his soaring rendition of ‘Ronereyy’, I think we’ll agree, he gave us some laughter(/nausea).

     


    Want more from this author? Try dealing with delays

    Or for a related article, how about more North Korean hilarity

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    People To Not Follow On Twitter (Repost)

    October 20th, 2011


     

    Hello there. You don’t know me, and I hardly know you. But I’m going to follow you, and read what you say, and message you as well. There’s nothing you can do about it. Hope that’s okay.

     

    Welcome to Twitter.

     

    The idea of it all sounds like someone with severe stalker issues who decided he couldn’t be bothered to walk around, waiting for a celebrity to latch on to. So he created a website where we could see what our favourite celebs were up to. La-dee-fucking-daa. In order to show you just how bad it can get, here are the top 5 worst people to follow:

     

    5. Rio Ferdinand

    A graduate of Peckham’s University of Shite, Rio has ‘made it’ and talks endlessly about his confidence on the next football match he’ll be partaking in, what he had for his din-dins, and having banter with Piers Morgan about him having ‘moobs’. I don’t give a fuck what your ‘lil men’ did today Rio, or what grime artist you apparently relate to. Kindly scuttle back to the hood which you think you’ve never left.
     

    Tweet Example: “Mooorning world! chilled out tracksuit day for me today! Already had a kinect track+field comp with the lil men this morning,destroyed them!”

     

    4. Chelsea Handler

    For all you UK peeps who be shouting “I’ve never heard of this woman”, relax. I wish I hadn’t either. Not only does her name sound like a questionable sex act, but she is an American chat show host and the only person on this list with a measurable IQ. Although she may not be as stupid, she represents everything I loathe about American women. She’s bitchy, annoying, narrow minded, blonde, a woman, AND a woman. She’s also ridiculously opinionated. Don’t you just hate her already? What annoys me more than all this, though, is that she’s so boring on Twitter. #bitch.
     

    Tweet Example: N/A

     

    3. Justin Bieber

    Definition of a vagina. Enough said. His irrational use of the capital letter makes me want to fashion spikes out of all his unwanted, unsold CD’s and stick them in his eyes. OK, now enough said.
     

    Tweet example: “MANCHESTER was one of the best shows ever. It was just FUN!! CROWD WAS HYPED!! THANK YOU and LET’S Do It Again Tomorrow!! #myworldtour”.

     

    2. Kanye West

    Maybe people think I’m giving Kanye no credit by writing articles like this. That’s because he doesn’t deserve any. His tweets are a constant reminder that, yes, we do in fact all have the right to use an exclamation mark. And he uses them like there’s no frickin’ tomorrow.
     

    Tweet example: “I specifically ordered Persian rugs with cherub imagery!!!”

     

    1. Lord Sugar

    If you want to find out how infuriating it is to see celebrities who can’t use punctuation or even spell, then this West London businessman should be on your list. Judging by his tweets, I’d rather pass a kidney stone than spend just one day with him. You’re not politically informed Alan, you’re a moron.
     

    Tweet Example: “getting on tender to get back on boat Kate Moss with family also getting on Sir Philip Greens boat. Nice little chat seems a nice lady”

     

    "um... What?"

     

    So, if you haven’t already, join Twitter. You can follow these idiots and abuse them slightly. They may even reply! If they manage to scurry up enough brain cells to think of a ‘witty’ response, I’m sure you’ll have no problem in dealing with it.
     

    You know who you definitely should follow though? @TrendFlux. Just saying.

     


    Want more from this author? Try The Top 5 Useless Inventions

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    Charlie Sheen Roast

    September 26th, 2011


     

    On the 19th September 2011, members of the roasting community paid tribute to Charlie Sheen… by digging up every bit of past shame he’s experienced. It was like a bully stepping on a snail… if the snail was the highest paid actor on TV at one point and an excessive narcissist.

     

    If you’re not familier with the format of a comedy roast, here goes: it’s an event where the guest of honour is ‘honoured’ by some of his closest friends/comedians/celebrities by them ripping into him. Think Frankie Boyle’s standup, but even harsher. Those who roast will also turn on each other as well.

     

    Among those on the Deus (the roasting panel) were William Shatner, roasting legends Jeff Ross and Anthony Jesilnik, as well as various other funny people. And Mike Tyson.

     

    "How's this for a punchline?"

     

    You can’t fathom the level of wrong that this occasion brought. Credit to the Tigerblood king, as he chuckled through much more than most would. Topics included his custody battles, drug use, the countless whores he pillaged… and Ashton Kutcher taking over his role on Two and a Half Men.

     

    Here’s a few jokes from the roast, just to give you a taster:

     

    “On ‘Two and a Half Men’ tonight, they’re apparently having a funeral for Charlie’s character. But there’s no need to switch over. In a few months, you can probably see the real thing.” – Roastmaster and ‘Family Guy’ creator Seth MacFarlane

     

    “Charlie, I’m 80, you’re 46… how come we look like we went to high school together?” – William Shatner

     

    “William Shatner… I’ve seen less bloated men dredged out of rivers.” – Amy Schumer

     

    “Mike Tyson has beaten every opponent he’s ever faced – except the letter S.” – Seth MacFarlane

     

    “It’s amazing that after all that damage you’ve done to your kidneys and liver, the only things you’ve had removed are your kids.” – Kate Walsh

     

    “His nostrils are so snotty and filled with coke, they could be called the Hilton sisters.” – Jeffrey Ross

     

    Warning: May Require Surgery

     

    In terms of ratings, the show was a smash, with 6.4 million viewers tuning in. This is great news for Charlie. He hasn’t been that high since… Oh wait.

     


    Want more from this author? Try The Everyman’s Guide To Betting Shops

    Or for a related article, how about A round-up of Edinburgh Fringe

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    People To Not Follow On Twitter

    August 28th, 2011


     

    Hello there. You don’t know me, and I hardly know you. But I’m going to follow you, and read what you say, and message you as well. There’s nothing you can do about it. Hope that’s okay.

     

    Welcome to Twitter.

     

    The idea of it all sounds like someone with severe stalker issues who decided he couldn’t be bothered to walk around, waiting for a celebrity to latch on to. So he created a website where we could see what our favourite celebs were up to. La-dee-fucking-daa. In order to show you just how bad it can get, here are the top 5 worst people to follow:

     

    5. Rio Ferdinand

    A graduate of Peckham’s University of Shite, Rio has ‘made it’ and talks endlessly about his confidence on the next football match he’ll be partaking in, what he had for his din-dins, and having banter with Piers Morgan about him having ‘moobs’. I don’t give a fuck what your ‘lil men’ did today Rio, or what grime artist you apparently relate to. Kindly scuttle back to the hood which you think you’ve never left.
     

    Tweet Example: “Mooorning world! chilled out tracksuit day for me today! Already had a kinect track+field comp with the lil men this morning,destroyed them!”

     

    4. Chelsea Handler

    For all you UK peeps who be shouting “I’ve never heard of this woman”, relax. I wish I hadn’t either. Not only does her name sound like a questionable sex act, but she is an American chat show host and the only person on this list with a measurable IQ. Although she may not be as stupid, she represents everything I loathe about American women. She’s bitchy, annoying, narrow minded, blonde, a woman, AND a woman. She’s also ridiculously opinionated. Don’t you just hate her already? What annoys me more than all this, though, is that she’s so boring on Twitter. #bitch.
     

    Tweet Example: N/A

     

    3. Justin Bieber

    Definition of a vagina. Enough said. His irrational use of the capital letter makes me want to fashion spikes out of all his unwanted, unsold CD’s and stick them in his eyes. OK, now enough said.
     

    Tweet example: “MANCHESTER was one of the best shows ever. It was just FUN!! CROWD WAS HYPED!! THANK YOU and LET’S Do It Again Tomorrow!! #myworldtour”.

     

    2. Kanye West

    Maybe people think I’m giving Kanye no credit by writing articles like this. That’s because he doesn’t deserve any. His tweets are a constant reminder that, yes, we do in fact all have the right to use an exclamation mark. And he uses them like there’s no frickin’ tomorrow.
     

    Tweet example: “I specifically ordered Persian rugs with cherub imagery!!!”

     

    1. Lord Sugar

    If you want to find out how infuriating it is to see celebrities who can’t use punctuation or even spell, then this West London businessman should be on your list. Judging by his tweets, I’d rather pass a kidney stone than spend just one day with him. You’re not politically informed Alan, you’re a moron.
     

    Tweet Example: “getting on tender to get back on boat Kate Moss with family also getting on Sir Philip Greens boat. Nice little chat seems a nice lady”

     

    "um... What?"

     

    So, if you haven’t already, join Twitter. You can follow these idiots and abuse them slightly. They may even reply! If they manage to scurry up enough brain cells to think of a ‘witty’ response, I’m sure you’ll have no problem in dealing with it.
     

    You know who you definitely should follow though? @TrendFlux. Just saying.

     


    Want more from this author? Try The Top 5 Useless Inventions

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    Dealing With Delays

    July 3rd, 2011


     

    I like to think of myself as an optimistic person. Glass half full and all that. Unless it’s a glass of dog shit, in which case it’s definitely half empty. My point is, I always try to point out the good in every situation. A great example of my general positive can be seen here.

     

    When it comes to delays in transport however, it’s a different matter entirely. I was recently stuck at Haywards Heath train station when my train was delayed FOUR HOURS. That’s longer than any exam you have ever taken; about as long as a full day of lessons at school; almost as long as the wait for Duke Nukem Forever to come out (the clue is in the name, it literally took forever).

     

    For those of you who don’t know, Haywards Heath is one of those places where the local hospital is listed as one of its biggest attractions. I can only assume this is because developing suicidal tendencies here is an inevitability. Furthermore, there was nowhere to sit, nothing to do and the weather was shit, since this is England.

     

    Feb 1930: sunniest day on record

     

    It got me thinking: what is there to do in this sitatuion? Trains, buses, planes, they’re all the same when you’re stranded. It can be very depressing when you’re sitting in an airport terminal, wearing your best hawaian shirt and swimshorts, waiting for flight that may be ready in a few hours, but nothing’s been confirmed yet. That’s right; I still haven’t forgotten what happened last time I tried to fly to Scotland.

     

    Here are a few ways you can pass the time if you find yourself caught in a little slice of Hell known as a delay.

     

    1. People-Watch

    There are two ways to go about this. You can either pick someone out from the crowd and create a backstory for them. Perhaps even considering penning a novel based on this experience. Alternatively, pick a person who looks like they could get riled up pretty sharpish, and then just watch what unfolds. Chances are that they will complain to the staff about the service, bitch about how busy they are and how much of an inconvenience this situation is, and slowly descend to tears. Quite depressing but equally hilarious. (Note: try not to stare at children; that can end in lawsuits)

     

    "Guess who's back?"

     

    2. Start random arguments

    It’s a tense situation. You’re all angry. Begin a heated argument with a stranger and watch as it descends into bareknuckle boxing. This is a double-whammy manoeuvre, since you’re also giving any nearby security guards something to do. Otherwise they’re gonna be bored too, and that would just be selfish on your part.


    3. Catch up on the worldly going-ons

    There’s no better time for this than when you’re bored and stranded. Grab a paper and read why Ed Milliband is such a moron, why strikers should be shot, and, if you were unfortunate enough to pick up the Daily Mail, why there are so many asylum seekers milling around. These topics are also the perfect catalysts to start off the aforementioned random arguments.

     

    4. Make videos

    You want something that will enable you to look back on this day and laugh about it in a year’s time? Then get a souvenir! Film someone’s reaction when an additional delay is announced over the tannoy. Then you can edit it later, put it in slow-mo and you pin point the exact moment when they develop frown lines.

     

    02:33:14 exactly

     

    5. Cry deeply.

    Pretty self explanatory. This may not be a voluntary decision like the others, but it certainly helped me to pass the time.

     

    So hopefully, by following these tips, you have survived your delay without dying from boredom, but it’s worth noting that there’s not really any way of avoiding delays. It’s just one of those things we all get once in a while. Like chlamydia.

     


    Want more from this author? How about The Top 5 Douchiest Celebrities

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    Douchiest Celebrities – Kanye West

    June 3rd, 2011


     

    Think of a time when you won an award at school. Maybe it was a long time ago, maybe it was just last week, but either way you were very happy indeed. Unless of course you have never won an award, in which case you are probably very upset. Nonetheless, for the purposes of this explanation, just use your imagination.You walk up to the stage and get the award, and just as you start shaking the presenter’s hand, suddenly one of your peers gets up and tells the whole audience that you shouldn’t have won. Pretty mortifying right? What kind of pathetic human being would do such a thing?

     

    Enter Kanye

     

    It takes a divine level of douchebaggery for even President Obama to call you a ‘jackass’. And Kanye fits that bill perfectly. Now I can hear you crying, “oh come on, Kanye isn’t thaaaaaat bad”. Yes, he fucking is.

     

    When he failed to win at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards in Europe, he told the world that he should have won because his video “had Pam Anderson in it. Cost a million dollars.” If these were the criteria the judges were using, he may have stood a chance, but it seems this time, it just wasn’t enough. He also decided the best time to have this rant was when the actual winners were accepting the award and were in the middle of their speech. To be fair, he did apologise and the general public seemed to roll their eyes and mutter ‘boys will be boys!’ Crazily though, this wasn’t the last time he was to do something like this.

     

    More famously, in 2009, he got on stage at the VMAs to tell the audience (and therefore, the world) that “Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time”. At any other time this may have been quite a nice thing to do, but instead he decided to interrupt Taylor Swift, the official winner of the category, as she was giving her acceptance speech. Let’s bear in mind that Taylor was still a teenager at the time. Imagine her girlish excitement turn to crushing disappointment as Kanye West joins her on stage only to metaphorically shit on her face.

     

    If you’re not shaking your head with disgust at this stage, there is something wrong with you. To do that once is an almost career ending spectacle. To do it twice, especially when you’re not even involved in the category, is simply ludicrous.

     

    It is entirely possible that Kanye is a few brain cells short, and so perhaps it is not fair to mock him. But if you will take the time to watch the below video, you will see that he mumbles for about a minute without even expressing one coherent sentence. That kind of stupidity requires serious dedication.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIUzLpO1kxI

    And yes, at the end, Kanye did say, without any context, that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people”. On live TV. On an appeal show. This is yet another display of Mr. West’s excellent timing. He even had the audacity to later claim that this statement changed his image for the better.

     

    Now allow me to move on to some quotes from the great man himself:

     

    I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I will be the loudest voice.

     

    If he meant ‘douchiest voice’, then he would have actually been correct for once.

     

    I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go. I’m a machine, a robot. You cannot offend a robot. I’m going down as a legend. I am the new Jim Morrison, the new Kurt Cobain.

     

    You may not be able to offend a robot, Kanye, but we can certainly try. If the above quote isn’t an indication of some severe mental problem (or at the very least, split personality disorder), then I don’t know what is. His display of arrogance is unparalleled, and his grasp of grammatical syntax is laughable. Cuts you deep, hey Kanye? Oh well, at least it couldn’t get any worse…

     

    If they wrote the Bible again, duh yeah, I would be in it. I feel like I’m one of the more important people in pop culture right now… The Bible had, what, 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it? You don’t think that I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible?

     

     

    Even inanimate objects are facepalming

     

    Sigh, I don’t even need to write another slur. Don’t get me wrong, there’s no denying Kanye West is talented, but they say you make your own luck. Well then, Kanye must have pissed on his luck and then fed it to a dog.

     

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    5. Ashley Cole
    4. Kanye West
    3. Coming Soon
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    Useless Inventions – Self Service Machines

    May 30th, 2011


     

    I would love to meet the inventor of the self service machine. I would congratulate him for creating a machine that can turn adults into quivering wrecks and has guaranteed me a ticket straight to hell. Read on to found out more!

     

    Come on now, who actually uses those things? It’s as unused as the weights room in Michelle McManus’s house. It’s as useful as Rio Ferdinand tweeting he’s just had a T-bone steak. It’s as annoying as having to read these ridiculously contrived similes.

     

    They’re literally everywhere in supermarkets. Not literally literally, but please allow for a little bit of rhetoric flair. Tesco have been typically moronic and installed them even in their smaller express shops. Why? There is nothing ‘express’ about getting in the longest queue in the supermarket and getting stuck behind and old lady, confused by the machine’s incessant beeping.

     

    Queues are where mass murderers are born

     

    I’ve also seen them in WHSmith, but I can see why they have decided to implement them. The staff there either look like they use narcotics to cope with the daily ‘rigours’ of the job, or they don’t speak audible English. Even then, I’d consider braving it with the Junkie rather than having to deal with ‘The Machine of Doom’.

     

    I have actually seen a grown man scream himself hoarse at one of them. It was Tuesday last in Sainsburys. The hilarity of the event made me cry with laughter, to such an extent that Aisle 4 needed a mopping. But it did make me realise: This anger management case has a point! These machines are useless. You try and scan your item, to no avail. You scan it over and over, twisting and turning. You might even hear a beep which fills you with joyous relief, only for the thing to break down and the supervisor to look at you like you just were caught taking from the retirement collection.

     

    If you somehow manage to scan it, you will find the next little slice of hell: The bagging area. You put your item down and are about to scan the next one when, in a very aggressive tone, you’re told that the previous item is not located in the bagging area.

     

     

    IT IS IN THE FUCKING AREA. I’ve placed it in gently at first, then harder, then completely on the metal area, then half on, half off. What do they want from me? I see the local youths who can’t be bothered with this hassle anymore. If the machine screws with them after four or five attempts, they will just steal it. Is that what you want, self service machine? For us to steal? Because I’ll happily oblige.

     

    Call me old fashioned, but I enjoy the friendly banter you have with the wench behind the counter. I’ve always walked away from the encounter with my shopping and a feeling that I’ve made their life a little bit better with my lame jokes and/or shameless flirting, regardless of their age. The last conversation I had with a self service machine ended with me saying “C U Next Tuesday!” and a vicar was behind me.

     

    His look of disgust was palpable and I swear I heard him muttering something about excommunication. And so for this reason, Mr. Machine, I hate you.

     

    Want more?

    5. Self Service Machines
    4. The Segway
    3. Coming Soon
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    Sheenius At Work

    May 21st, 2011


     

    It’s official: The warlock has been replaced. Cue shock and a large intake of breath. Charlie Sheen, you may recall, is that crazy guy who’s been paraded in front of the press recently for living life in the fast lane. This would have probably been OK, but alas, this metaphorical road he was cavorting down was a simple single carriageway, meaning his ‘fast lane’ was in fact the opposing lane of traffic. The inevitable consequence of this was that poor Ol’ Chazza would crash and burn sooner or later.

     

    Mr. Sheen has been substituted on ‘Two and a Half Men’ by none of other than Ashton Kutcher, a legend on the MTV circuit for Punk’d and That 70s Show. In these two programmes, Ashton acts like a bit of a prick to critical acclaim, so it appears that he is well suited to slip into Charlie’s beer-ridden, cocaine-laced shoes.

     

    I hope that's mud..

     

    Actually named Carlos Estevez (changing his name was perhaps Sheen’s wisest career move), the man himself took a backhanded swipe at his replacement, saying “Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty or love there.” Which sounds to me like a description of Charlie Sheen’s house.
     

    The Sheenius has had some hard times in the past few months (relatively of course, I mean, he lives with two ‘Goddesses’). At the opening gig of his tour in Detroit, people got angry, demanded their money back, and generally behaved a lot like Charlie himself. His tour only picked up a little when he invited Comedy Central Roastmaster Jeff Ross to come and ‘save his career’ by lampooning the shit out of him every night. This is kinda like when that desperate-to-popular guy at school throws himself into a wall to make you laugh. Sure, it may work out in the short run, but you’ll always know he’s a little weird.

     

     

    The ‘Tigerblood’ (that became a catchphrase among his followers) has become seemingly thinner since he fell out with CBS. Probably because Tigerblood is actually a mix of vodka, coke (both kinds), and excessive vanity. Top it off with a little of his ego, and you have a truly lethal cocktail.

     

    Where will he go from here? It’s anyone’s guess. He could try and do the chat-show host route, as he wouldn’t need to be particularly funny, and he likes to rant. My advice would be to look for a network other than CBS, however.

     

    Either that, or he may simply fade into obscurity. Let’s face it, there’s no way he’s clean. He may have a pretty substantial god-complex, but no matter how large that is, no-one can go on tour without an act and perform to fickle followers night-in, night-out. He must be on something. Whatever happens, we at Trendflux salute you Charlie. It’s always possible that we may follow in your footsteps as us comedy writers are notorious hell-raisers. We were born on the wrong side of town, and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.

    To quote Meister Ross on his first night with Sheen:

    If you’re winning, then someone needs to change the fucking scoreboard

     

    Tell us in the comments, what kind of scoreboard would Charlie be winning on?

     

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