Tesco Trauma Part II

So I’ve been emailing Tesco a lot, and they don’t really like it. To get an understanding of what’s going on below, I suggest that you first read Part I. I’ll wait for you to get back.

You may notice that here, I’ve taken to using a different email address. This kind of cunning is imperative when going undercover. Let’s see how it paid off…

—————————–
TO:              customer.service@tesco.co.uk
FROM:        i.am.siobhan@hotmail.com
SUBJECT:   My Milkshakes!

 

Hi Tom. Can I call you Tom?

 

TOO LATE! Anyway, let me introduce myself. My name is Siobhan Barnard, and I was a once-loyal Tesco customer. I am definitely not Nathan, so I don’t know where you got that crazy idea from.

 

So this guy Nathan, a handsome fellow by all accounts, told me to get in touch regarding some particularly mucky milkshakes that I purchased a while back. I’m sorry that it has taken me so long to get in contact with you, but I recently had a run-in with the law.

 

Sorry! I meant to say: I went for a run. With the ‘In-Laws’. It was supposed to be a charity fun-run, but it wasn’t that fun (I’m sure you, of all people, know what ‘in-laws’ can be like!).

 

I don’t need to bore you with the details. I’m sure Nathan has already briefed you on today’s mission. In case you have forgotten, please find attached a diagram. Wow, it appears not only is Nathan intelligent and handsome, but he is also a master of art and design. I’m surprised there aren’t girls swooning at his feet!

 

 

Please also find attached a photo of my clubcard, as irrefutable and unquestionable evidence of my identity. In case, for some reason, you still don’t believe me, my postcode is *** ***, I think.

 

Look forward to hearing from you soon

Nathan O’Neill

Siobhan Barnard

 

—————————–
TO:              i.am.siobhan@hotmail.com
FROM:        customer.service@tesco.co.uk
SUBJECT:   My Milkshakes!

 

Dear Siobhan

 

Thank you for your email. I’m sorry to learn the details of your concerns since the item purchased was already a few weeks out of date.

 

At Tesco, we understand the importance of looking after our customers and the detrimental effect an experience like this will have. As a gesture of goodwill, I’d like to offer you a £5.00 Tesco Moneycard which I hope you will accept with the good intentions meant. If you find this acceptable, I’d kindly like to request your full address details so I can have this arranged as soon as possible for you. I am unable to get this information from your Clubcard account as I am not Tesco Clubcard trained and we need
to adhere to date protection.

 

I’d like to thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards

Robert Day
Tesco Customer Service

 

—————————–
TO:              customer.service@tesco.co.uk
FROM:        i.am.siobhan@hotmail.com
SUBJECT:   My Milkshakes!

 

Hi Robert

 

What happened to Thomas Goetze? Did you fire him? Oh god, I hope not. It’s all my- I mean, Nathan’s fault, isn’t it? Pleas re-hire him. He was great; so personable and funny and kind and… If you see him, please tell him “The slug race has not progressed much further”. He’ll know what I mean.

 

Yes yes. I would happily and graciously accept a ‘MoneyCard’, whatever this may be. They sound exciting though, don’t they? I am also sorry to hear that you are not ClubCard trained. I think Thomas was. Maybe you could ask him for lessons?

My current address is -redacted-

 

and I look forward to receiving some post. I never get post :(

Many Thanks

Siobhan

 

—————————–
TO:              i.am.siobhan@hotmail.com
FROM:        customer.service@tesco.co.uk
SUBJECT:   My Milkshakes!

 

Dear Nathan and Siobhan

 

After discussing this issue with my colleague Thomas, I have been informed there have been some concerns over the method of contact when bringing this issue to our attention. As Tom had explained in his previous email, we need to request that the customer contacts us directly. Due to data protection procedures I am now unable to send out the £5.00 Tesco Moneycard to the address provided.

 

In addition, I would please like to request that Siobhan contacts us directly on our free phone Customer Service number by calling 0800 50 55 55. This will ensure we can adhere to data protection and will allow us to confirm necessary details over the phone. My colleagues will then be more than happy to have a £5.00 Tesco Moneycard sent to Siobhan as soon as possible to resolve the issue.

 

Kind regards

Robert Day
Tesco Customer Service

 

—————————–
TO:              customer.service@tesco.co.uk
FROM:        i.am.siobhan@hotmail.com
SUBJECT:   My Milkshakes!

 

Dear Robert,

 

I am glad to hear Thomas has not been fired. O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! He’s such a loveable rapscallion, isn’t he? Interfering with our arrangements and what not.

 

Yes, Nathan explained Tom’s email to me very carefully. Hence why I’m now contacting you myself. Look, it’s even in my email address! No one would lie in their email address! That would simply be abominable!

 

Unfortunately, I will not be able to ring up any time soon since I have lost my voice. And when/if I do regain my voice, I sound a lot like a man. I trust Tesco will hold no prejudice in this respect. Alternatively, I can provide you with every single shred of evidence confirming my identity up to (but not including) my mother’s maiden name. It’ll be like a fun quiz show, except it will be really easy for me because I am Siobhan. If you like, I could write you a letter; I have very girly handwriting. Sometimes I do little hearts instead of dotting the ‘i’s.

 

A final point: you seem to think that sending me this MoneyCard will “resolve the issue”. Not so, as the underlying issues run much deeper. Firstly, my psychological trauma can never been undone (I actually put actual gone-off milk into my actual mouth). But more importantly, how can I assure incidents such as mine will not occur for other unsuspecting victims? Money can buy happiness, Robert, but it cannot buy my silence. As such, I revoke my acceptance of a mere MoneyCard and instead request a guided tour* of your Magdalen Street Metro, being chaperoned around by a manager, visiting all the perishable goods, and checking with my own eyes if they are in date or not. And if I find anything out of date, my gosh, Tesco, MY GOSH, I will be sad.

 

Hope this is OK and I wish you a happy rest of day

Siobhan

*My friend Nathan shall accompany me on said tour. (I may not be able to make it)

 

—————————–
TO:              i.am.siobhan@hotmail.com
FROM:        customer.service@tesco.co.uk
SUBJECT:   My Milkshakes!

 

Dear Siobhan

 

Thank you very much for your reply. I’m pleased to learn you would like to take a tour of our Magdalen Street Metro store.

 

To add, I would never wish to make you feel conscious about your voice whilst contacting us. But we do need to ensure we adhere to our data protection policies. If you wish, you can visit the store when you are feeling better and please take along your Tesco Clubcard and some form of letter which clearly shows your name and address. Our store Manager, Mr Dominic Ryan, will be more than happy to speak with you so we can arrange a tour of the store for you.

 

Finally, I’d like to thank you once again for your time Siobhan and I am confident Dominic will be more than happy to assist you at your earliest convenience.

 

Kind regards

Robert Day
Tesco Customer Service

 

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Wow, I didn’t expect them to agree. Regardless, I did actually go on the tour, and it was pretty unspectacular. The best bit by far was the constant look of “What the hell is going on?” plastered over the manager’s face. He wouldn’t let me film, but he was happy to take some photos of me:

 

My life is weird.

 


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Thanks To Siobhan for allowing me to steal her identity!

 

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