Filtration Frustration – A Complaint To Swan


 

Sometimes, you just know that when you complain to a particular company, you’re gonna have a bad time. For example, if I were to complain to a quirky, independent clothes manufacturer, oh haha! What fun we would have. However, when complaining to a cigarette and general smoking paraphernalia, it’ll turn out a little more like this…

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TO:              enquiries@republictechnologies.co.uk
FROM:       ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
SUBJECT: Filtration Frustration

 

Dear Swan (not the bird),

 

I am a simple man with simple pleasures. Alas, these pleasures have been thwarted by “The Corporations” once again. Allow me to show you a little picture of what I was greeted with when I opened up my packet of filters:

 

 

Look at that! Filters of varying length! And the worst part of it all is that we can’t be certain whether the one on the left is too big or the one on the right is too small! Maybe it’s both…

 

After measuring the height and diameter of both filters I have determined that it is the long one which is too long, and this is wholly unacceptable. Whilst you may argue that a longer filter can only be a good thing for my lungs, I put it to you that if I was concerned about the abilities of my personal breathing apparatus, I would not be smoking in the first place.

 

But no, the main reason I am so upset by this is because I am currently striving to attain a world record, as certified by Guiness. What record, I hear you ask? ‘The World’s Largest Fort Built Entirely From Cigarette Filters’. Allow me to show you a picture of my progress so far:

 

 

Oh look, it’s exactly the same picture. Because I haven’t started yet. Because HOW ON EARTH CAN I IMPLEMENT ANY STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY WHEN I HAVE SUPPORT COLUMNS OF DIFFERENT LENGTHS?! Answer: I can’t. Not one bit.

 

In order to address this issue, I think the best course of events would be for you to send me enough filters to complete my fort. I estimate it to require somewhere between 29,000 and 31,000 filters (I’m yet to decide if I want to add turrets). I will happily pick these up from an undisclosed location, if it makes life easier for you.

 

All the best,

Nathan
 

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TO:              ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
FROM:       enquiries@republictechnologies.co.uk
SUBJECT: Filtration Frustration

 

Thank you for your recent mail from which we are very sorry to learn that your filter tips were not to the standard you’ve come to expect from us.

 

We’d really like to look into this further and to help us do this, the product itself would be extremely useful. We’d therefore appreciate your help again and would ask for your full postal address so we can send you a prepaid self-addressed envelope for use in returning the product to us, so that the quality team can fully investigate when and where this pack was made.

 

Please accept our apologies for the fact that you’ve needed to contact us. We will arrange on receipt of your product a full replacement to be sent to your home address.

 

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TO:              enquiries@republictechnologies.co.uk
FROM:       ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
SUBJECT: Filtration Frustration

 

Hello again Swan House,

 

Thank you for your email and apologies for my delay in replying. I have been very busy mocking up the blueprints for my fort. As I’m sure you can imagine, it is not an easy undertaking.

 

I am a bit hesitant about returning the product unto you because I am in the process of collecting filters at the moment (for my fort. The world-record-breaking one), and to give some away would only impede my progress. Furthermore, after a quick (but expensive!) consultation with an architect, I have decided I will be added a drawbridge to my fort, and this misshapen filter is perfect for the job. As it happens, I would therefore ask that you could send me another length filter, otherwise my drawbridge would be lopsided.

 

Thanks for your assistance so far, and I await your advice on where I should go to pick up my 29,800 filters (refined estimate).

Nathan
 

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TO:              ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
FROM:       enquiries@republictechnologies.co.uk
SUBJECT: Filtration Frustration

I refer you to our previous email
 

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TO:              enquiries@republictechnologies.co.uk
FROM:       ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
SUBJECT: Filtration Frustration

 

Yes I do remember that email. I read it and replied accordingly. I decided that I wanted to keep this lengthened filter, but am still perturbed by its existence. If you could just send me another one of these monstrosities (for my drawbridge), we’ll call it quits. Alternatively, just send me the 29,850 filters that I politely requested (you may notice this estimate is refined further still).

 

I must say I am still perplexed as to why you wish to see this filter. We’ve all seen the pictures. I can only imagine that you’ll pick it up, wholeheartedly agree that it is in fact far too long, and then send me a groveling email apologising for wasting my time. Why don’t we just cut out the middle man? Here is my address: -redacted-

 

But be warned. If you send me a prepaid envelope requesting the filter, I can not be held accountable for the contents of send envelope when I return it unto you. Hopefully, for everyone’s sake, it’ll be the filter, but I’m not making any guarantees…

 

All the best

Nathan

 

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Guess who received a pack of filters in the post? (Me). I’m now one step closer to attaining my world record!
 

Thanks to Sam Simmons for experiencing these foul filters!

 


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