Oodles of Noodles? – Spam Attack


 

I think it’s fair to say that I love noodles (and similar) just as much as the next man. But I don’t like them being shoved down my throat. I have a propensity to vomit. So how do you think I felt when an overly-friendly China-man tried to sell me some food? …Pretty happy, to be honest

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TO:              ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
FROM:         dapang118@gmail.com
SUBJECT:   instant noodle substitute
 

Dear Friend,

We are honored to know from internet that you are dealing in food products, so taking this opportunity we`d like to recommend our steamed stuffed bun which have been purchased and served by China government through severe inspections during Beijing Olympics and many government events.
 

Our bun is a kind of instant food with flour outside and various vegetable or/and meat fillings inside, it`s soft to the mouth and delicious in taste, people normally have it as breakfast or dinner. Since it`s cooked and quick frozen, before eating you only need to have it heated up by steam or microwave for several minutes.
 

Most people regard instant noodles non-nutritional, however for our steamed bun, as a substitute, you can ask us to put inside any blended vegetable as filling, so it can provide people various nutrition and tastes. Being a famous supplier in traditional Chinese food for over 50 years, our buns have entered supermarkets like WALMART, CARREFOUR,
TESCO, LOTUS, and CENTURYMART.
 

We currently provide 90,000 buns a day for home, and abroad markets like Japan, Korea, Hong Kong, the USA, Australia, and many European countries.
 

We hope you`ll be interested in this new product after our short introduction, let`s cooperate and explore its market together.

Best regards,
Da Pang (Sales Manager)

Yanzhou Wuting Food Co., Ltd.
 

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TO:                dapang118@gmail.com
FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
SUBJECT:   RE: instant noodle substitute
 

Hello Friend AKA Da Pang,

Yes, you’re detective skills are serving you well today! I do deal in food products, at least three times a day! When I eat them.
 

I’m glad that your bun is an instant food, because I hate those foods that take ages to get from my plate to my mouth. But I worry when you say it is usually eaten at breakfast or dinner, because I sincerely wish to have it at other times of the day too! Hopefully this will not impede our transaction.
 

Congratulations on your buns entering supermarkets. My buns have only entered bodyparts like MOUTH, STOMACH, and COLON.
 

Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat 90,000 buns a day, but will happily consider if we cut down the order to, say, 900 a week?
 

Hopefully this is okay with you as I am really quite hungry. Would you be able to deliver the first load by Monday?

Look forward to hearing from you soon

Nathan
 

—————————–
TO:                ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
FROM:         dapang118@gmail.com
SUBJECT:   THANK YOU! instant noodle substitute
 

Hi Nathan,

Thank you very much for your interesting words, we feel so happy to read them.
We enclose our catalogue photo and price list, and kindly let us know which item you like please?
 

 

Best regards,
Da Pang (Sales Manager)

Yanzhou Wuting Food Co., Ltd.
 

—————————–
TO:                dapang118@gmail.com
FROM:        ngoneill@hotmail.co.uk
SUBJECT:   YOU’RE WELCOME instant noodle substitute
 

Monday has come and gone, and I received no noodle substitutes. You should be ashamed of yourself, Da Pang. You have brought dishonour onto your family…
 

Anyways, I think it’s quite clear which items I would like. It most certainly has to be The Moon Cake, The Three-Cube Bun, and The Oil Cake of 1000 Layers.
 

I would like to know if your products go through stringent quality checks, because I will not be happy if I receive any The Oil Cake of 999 Layers. Also, your The Three-Cube Bun look suspiciously round.
 

How many of each item do you think I’ll need? Bearing in mind, it is no longer Monday, so I’m not really that hungry anymore. Shall we say 50 of each item per week?

Nathan

 

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It looks like I’m going hungry this week…

 


Want more from this author? Try The Everyman’s Guide To Elevators

Or for a related article, how about this complaint to Cadbury

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