Shockolate Surprise


I love Minstrels. Like 99% of the time. To account for that 1%, someone was deserving an angry email. Last time, I promised you guys that I wouldn’t settle for simple reimbursement. Hopefully this will suffice.

SUBJECT:   I feel a bit sick


Dear Minstrels,


Firstly, I hope that I haven’t inadvertently sent this email to a minstrels troupe. You know, a band of entertainers with blackened faces who perform songs of African origin. No, I don’t mean to disturb them, the gallivanting scallywags that they are.


While we’re on the subject, however, there is one striking similarity between performing minstrels and the pack o’ snacks I just bought. That is, they are both rather distasteful.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just here to complain. In fact, I would go as far as saying I am an avid Minstrels fan. I bet you didn’t know you had ‘avid’ fans of your chocolate. But you do. It’s me.


All this nonsense aside, when I began munching upon the supposed chocolate deliciousness that I had just purchased, they didn’t taste of Minstrels. They tasted of… disappointment.


Whilst I expected the chocolate to be melt-in-your-mouth smooth, it instead clung to my teeth like a baby baboon to the back of its hunter-gatherer mother, holding on for dear life, else risk being flung off and lost in the undergrowth, only to be discovered later by Nature’s most savage killer, ‘Man’. I have attached a picture in order to alleviate any confusion that this untoward anecdote may have brought about.



Furthermore, the Minstrels were decorated with a myriad white specks. Perhaps this was a Christmas promotion, I speck-ulated. But I couldn’t fathom why the promotion was such that the chocolate now tasted like shit. Unless, of course, it was intended to be reindeer shit. In which case, carry on.


To give you a better idea of how they looked, imagine this. If you were to hold the chocolate spheroid up close to your eye and squint, it would be indistinguishable from peering into a distant Galaxy™. Oh, I get it now! Very clever! -Begins slow clap-


I swear that one of my Minstrels is now emblazoned with the face of the Virgin Mary (and trust me, I am quite an expert in this field). I was therefore wondering if, by way of compensation, you could assist me financially in bringing this Miracle Minstrel to the attention of the public, and also provide me with bodyguards to help me deal with the inevitable media frenzy that will follow. I am very interested to hear any other suggestions you may have.





SUBJECT:   RE: I feel a bit sick


Dear Nathan,


I was sorry to learn of the problem you have recently experienced with our Galaxy Minstrels. Naturally we are concerned by this incident and would like to bring it to the attention of our Quality and Food Safety team. Therefore, if you have retained the product in question, could you please return it to us for examination together with any packaging. I would be grateful if you could also inform us of the best before date and manufacturing codes by return.


I look forward to hearing from you shortly in this matter. Please quote reference number 39113311 on any future correspondence.


Yours sincerely

Samantha Newitt
Consumer Care Team


SUBJECT: RE: I feel a bit sick


Dear Samantha,


My Reference Number is Three, Ninety-One, One Hundred and Thirty-Three, One, and then a final One.


I must offer my profuse apologies. You see, I have not retained the product because my doctor advised that I distance myself from anything that could potentially anger me (again). I gave the bag to my young nephew to wear as a hat. Because he has no hats. And I melted down the Minstrels into a liquid and then poured it over my head in a literal representation of the Tay Zonday song ‘Chocolate Rain‘.


I can assure you that this product was not out of date, since I am especially meticulous when it comes to buying foods. Unfortunately, this absurd practice did not fare me well this time! I must also note that this is the second time I have fallen victim to faulty Minstrels. If you search your system for a particularly disgruntled “Nathan O’Neill”, you will perhaps chance upon our last correspondence, which ended with me receiving £5 worth of Mars Vouchers. I will not be so easily bought this time, Samantha!


Using an ancient formula, and given that this is the second occurrence of foul Minstrels, I have deduced that I am entitled to £47 worth of vouchers to be sent to my address as soon as possible. Failing this, I shall leave it up to your imagination to provide me with suitable reimbursement. Perhaps a handwritten apology written entirely in rhyming couplets, or a photo of you and some work colleagues looking forlorn. These are just examples.


I look forward to hearing from you soon (obviously I don’t mean ‘hearing’ since you are sending an email!) ((Also, I am partially deaf)),


Nathan O’Neill


SUBJECT:   RE: I feel a bit sick


Dear Mr O’Neill,


Nathan, We’re sorry your Minstrels were bad, and that you had cause to complain.
We wanted to look at the packaging, or have more details, so we could explain.


As we do not have a sample to see,
and don’t want to cause you to get more angry,


We can only apologise for the taste,
and the fact that your sweets went to waste.


In order to help you feel better, not sad,
we’re sending you vouchers to make you feel glad.


You can buy more Minstrels, and we hope that you’ll praise them once more,
and not have any more problems or we might end up being quite poor!


Yours sincerely,

Kathryn Youngman.



Wow, Kathryn. You are like a modern day Robert Burns. Only with much less haggis. Thanks for the free money though!

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