TrendFlux Resolutions


 

Well hello everyone! It’s that time of the year where we all try (and fail) to make our resolutions! Here’s some from the TrendFlux crew. And if they make you laugh, be sure to click on their name to view their portfolio. Happy New Year all!
 

Nathan O’NeillGain Weight

Yup, contrary to popular thinking, my ambition is to actually put on weight next year. Because I am skinny like a French Fry. I didn’t realise this as the case until a ‘friend’ referred to me as an African child. I hasten to add that I am neither African, nor a child, but nevertheless, it seems this issue needs addressing.

 

Also, I aim to continue providing hilarious content for you, our lovely audience, and continue developing this independent website. So please, in an appeal that would make Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales jealous, share this website with your friends, family, and even people you don’t like. I promise I’ll make it up to you one day!

 

Joseph O’Neill – Write More

This website was set up by my younger brother Nathan, who has fancied himself as a bit of a Mark Zuckerberg character ever since his girlfriend told him to watch The Social Network, and insisted it was good. Nathan, being the jellied eel that he is, agreed with her point of view with the excitement and fervor befitting to a ADHD-suffering puppy overdosing on sugar and rainbows. If Nathan is Marky Mark, I suppose I would be the guy who doesn’t do much unless he’s told to, and then tries to take all the credit and money. I can’t remember his name, but he was also dashingly handsome.

 

As such, I endeavour to update this site with reviews, stories, and awe-inspiring witticisms when instructed to by my slightly-overbearing but understandably-exasperated brother.

 

Clare Greenwood – Get Fit

Yesterday, I spent an outrageous £29.50 on a pair of post-Christmas spanky pants. My New Year’s resolution is to prevent this from happening again. By Christmas next year, I will be so thin that there is no further need for underwear which feels like it has stopped my circulation and is the colour of weak tea. I intend to achieve this through a combination of activities. The first is to engage in some kind of eating disorder. I believe Gwyneth Paltrow follows one religiously under the term ‘diet’ which I could probably find online. This will involve eating nothing but seeds and other foods previously considered fit for birds and small rodents. I also resolve to go to the gym more frequently, instead of just saying that I will and then thinking that actually I can’t really be bothered to wash my hair. Although, to be honest, none of this sounds too appealing. Instead I might drink fewer G&Ts next year and start a spanky pants fund instead!

 

Oliver Taylor

My New Year’s resolution is 1600 by 1200 (1,920,000 individual picture elements).

 

Tumbleweed.

 

More seriously, I resolve to laugh at 2012 doomsday conspiracy theorists whilst secretly harbouring crippling fear, up until the 22nd of December when my sceptic views will be confirmed and I will celebrate by doing my Christmas shopping safe in the knowledge that my relatives will be alive to receive them. Okay, that wasn’t serious at all…

 

Sam Young – Grow A Beard

Seeing as we were lucky enough to prevent the apocalypse as predicted by the Mayans, my new year’s resolution shall be to achieve glory by sprouting masses of hair from my face. Now you might be thinking to yourselves, “well hey, I know that guy! There’s no way he can grow a beard! His youthful visage has not the rugged steel to create man-fur from his juvenile countenance” and to you, I would say that whilst you’re probably right, the matter of the fact is that David Mitchell did it. David Mitchell! If you said to me last year, at the cusp of 2011 that David Mitchell would or even could grow a beard, I would have ridiculed you, ruthlessly.
But it happened. This happened:

 

 

Now it may not be as awesome as some of the beards seen here, but a beard is a beard, and beards are fucking awesome. So to all the haters that will doubt my 2012 beard, watch this space. Or should I say: watch my face. And yes, I AM ashamed of that joke.

 

Rida Hamidou – Clean Up The World

This 2012, I will be ridding the world of all douchebags, turd sandwiches and conservatives. Call me an exterminator of sorts, a hitman with ulterior motives: to make the world a better place. My first hit will be the entire cast of Hollyoaks for turning the minds of our youth into a bedazzled, fake-tanned bowl of porridge. Secondly, I think I shall be making a trip to America to decapitate the Dark Lord himself. Earlier this month, Bieber released a video of himself freestyling over a Biggie instrumental… This was the last straw for poor Mr. Bieber, who will next year be joining Amy Winehouse in eternal infamy. On the plus side, at least he’ll make more money dead.

 

Tom Rowse – Hit The Gym

I wish I could say otherwise, but this year my New Year resolution carries all the predictability of a London bus. I resolve to go to the gym. In fairness, this is nothing new; I’ve been going since September and have to some extent succeeded in becoming a bit more buff, but in the New Year I’ll inevitably reach my six month cut-off line, where I lose interest in absolutely everything I’m doing. In the past, the cut off has kicked in with University, learning an instrument, and even relationships. They weren’t all resolutions though.
 

Rachel Taylor – Face My Fears

My fears are predominantly flying and spiders. And hangovers. Every time I fly, I have an irrational fear the world is going to end, so this year I am going to take large quantities of sleeping pills to avoid this inevitable panic. To Spiders, I promise not to Hoover you up every time I see you. Instead, I will put a glass over you and wait until an avid animal explorer enters my home and pleasantly removed you. As for the hangovers… not all resolutions are realistic, lets be honest.

 

Harry Rudd - ”Don’t Be Lazy, You Stupid Ass”

My New Year’s resolution is, quite plainly, don’t be a lazy ass. In fact, I began this resolution somewhat prematurely and as such, many of you may be surprised to see I have finally put finger to button and managed to write some words on a screen for this here lovely website! You see, many of my pals have managed to join one of those Edu-tainment Club Thingies (I believe you call them ‘Universities’), whereas I am currently sitting here, well beyond my educational peak, doing the one thing I do best. Yup, you guessed it, being a lazy ass.

So, in the new year, instead of perusing the internet for hilarious youtube videos, or seeing how few steps I can take from my bed to the kitchen (an impressive 19, I might add), I am taking myself abroad for some sweet-ass, non-lazy, snowboarding fun! Jealous much?

 

Ned Newberry – Combo Resolution

My New Year’s resolution is sort of like a combo meal, reminiscent of the supercharger at KFC. Firstly, I aim to eat less fast food (one way of doing this is by eating slowly, so by definition it becomes slow food). In particular, I shall eat less chicken nuggets, which McDonalds saw fit to sell in the form of the delectable 20 nugget (not-to-)share box. This is then coupled with a dip in the sweet chilli sauce pool and perfection occurs… yeah, I have a problem. The other two parts of the combo are to play less video games (which is what I do when I’m not eating chicken nuggets) and go to the gym (where there are no nuggets).

 

Callum Ewing - Stop Procrastinating

Today, I had intended to start my revision and do my essays, but in my mind, writing a paragraph for TrendFlux is far too much work for one day, and therefore my work shall commence next year… This mindset has meant that anything (and I mean anything) is better than work. Sometimes, I stare out of my window and admire a family of squirrels. This happens so much that I have come up with names for these squirrels, and have even started viewing their lives as a kind of sit-com. I have named it ‘Only Fools and Squirrels’. At the moment in the series Nut-Boy and Sqodney are trying palm off some dodgy looking nuts and berries to Digger (I chose to avoid the rather un-PC name there). I am sure hilarious events will ensue from their antics as per usual! Right now, they are in hibernation. Or as I like to call it, ‘vacation after finishing the Christmas special’. Now I hope you can see why procrastination is an issue I need to address for the new year. Well at least after the end of Season 2 of ‘Only Fools and Squirrels’.

 

Toby Coulthard – Learn To Wear Glasses… Properly

2011 was the unfortunate year where I was told I had to wear glasses. Have you ever worn sunglasses? Yes? Good. Sunglasses give you the ability to stare at people without them noticing. I made the ill-fated decision to assume prescription glasses are of the same sun-blocking variety. As such, when first wearing my new pair of rims, this quickly lead to a series of awkward encounters within a period of just a few minutes. It was horrendously awkward for both parties involved, as I’m sure you can imagine. I haven’t worn them since.

 

 

Will Cooper – Drink More Gin

The menopause, my mother, and life. Just three things can be made more bearable thanks to Gin. Its bitterness can bring a tear to the eye of any hardened drinker, and its effect could make my Gran punch her cat in pure rage. Gin is something that brings a refreshing spontaneity to life and I can’t see anything that I would prefer to have more of in the coming year.

 

Though it is often associated with older women and post-natal depression, gin is just simply delicious. From Bombay Sapphire to good old Sainsbury’s basics, gin is open to everyone’s price range, so the next time you’re looking to drown out the nagging pain of reality, choose gin, because that’s what awesome people do.

 

Oli Katz – Stop Celebrating The New Year

“What are you talking about, Oli?” I hear you cry, “New Year’s Eve is the best night of the year!” But is it really? Think back to last New Year. Remember where you were, whether it be a house party, a club, or in your living room with your parents (…awkward). Everyone is waiting for the clock to strike 11.59 and 50 seconds, and as such, the night proceeds very slowly. Unless you don’t know how to hold your drink. In which case, you proceed to chunder everywhere, then pass out.

 

Then comes the countdown, which basically consists of a whole nation simultaneously subtracting numbers, whilst rushing around trying to find that New Year’s pull. 3…2…1… and that’s it. It’s over. It is the biggest anti-climax ever. People cheer and celebrate whilst you just feel lonely and unloved because no one wants to be near you. I don’t know why anyone would waste their time and money when it only ever ends in misery and tears! This does happen to everyone, right?

…right?

 

Dan Meier – Punch People

Allow me to clarify. My New Year’s resolution is to punch anyone who makes a hilarious comment about their New Year’s resolution not lasting. If your Facebook status goes along the lines of “eating chocolate instead of going to the gym, so much for my New Year’s Resolution!” I will find out where you live and force chocolate up your nostrils and into your annoying brain. If your status reads “managed to stick to my New Year’s resolution… for the first week of January!” I will report you. Not to Facebook, to the police. For paedophilia. How’s that for karma? Anyway, that’s my New Year’s resolution and I am committed to it. For the first few days!!!

 

Guy Vero – …

This year I’ve promised myself to try and stop masturbating so ferociously over the Antiques Roadshow. The instant I hear those fucking trumpets in the theme tune my less-than-antique hardwood bedpost rises quicker than The Planet of the Apes. What really gets me is the combination of potentially priceless artifacts, 1990s low quality camera resolution, middle-aged bearded couples (yes, both of them), and the wise owl of a human sat opposite with the knowledge of a thousand men.

 

 

I’ve recently taken to using wood varnish as lubrication (Ronseal Ultra) as it not only does it offer a flawless, friction-free finish but it also helps me to make a connection with those polished wooden relics I see before me. In my endeavour to find the ultimate masturbative roadshow experience I have realised that the key is to time your reaction with their reaction, the thrill being in the element of surprise. You are just as blind to the prospective value as they are, consequently overall satisfaction will increase proportionally to the price of the antique in question. Although your response is somewhat different to theirs, when it all cums together you get a chance to share their moment. Priceless.

 


Click here for a selection of the Top 5 Everything From 2011

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