Nando’s Nonsense


There are two adjectives that I want to be using to describe my food at all times. Either ‘good’ or ‘free’. Much to my dismay, my experience at Nando’s contained absolutely none of the former, but will soon include a little bit of the latter. This will suffice.

SUBJECT:  Nando’s Nonsense


This is email is both complimentary, and COMPLAINentary, and as such, I wasn’t sure which department to send it to. Therefore I sent it to both.


Firstly, I must congratulate you for the wondrous taste of the chicken at Nandos. You cook it up nice, just like my Nan-does. I realise this pun isn’t very good, because it’s neither homonymic nor homophonic, but I really am trying.


The service was also delightfully fast, but this is where things took a sour turn (This is of no relevance to the fact that I ordered an extra helping of sour cream). By some impossible feat, our food arrived at the table before we had even returned from the till. Usually, I wouldn’t mind this kind of service, but since our food was left unattended for some time, it may well have been sabotaged. This kind of behaviour is unfortunately all too prevalent in this day and age.


My second, and all the more pressing, point, is the number of chips I received. I looked down at my paltry (or should I say poultry!) portion, and my heart sank. I had only been given 23 chips. This may sound like an OK number, but after running a series of delicious experiments at similar restaurants, I can assure that my portion size was distinctly sub-average. As far as I’m concerned, having less than two dozen chips is unacceptable for a man of any appetite.


Allow me to explain by way of an analogy: Imagine you were given two large egg boxes, expecting them to be filled with eggs (or in this case, chips). However, upon opening the second egg box, you find that you are missing one eggchip! This little anecdote surely goes some way towards explaining how sad the above occurrence made me.


Overall, I was very displeased with my Nandos experience, and am wondering what you can do to cheer me up.


All the best,



(PS. Perhaps the best remedy to this problem would be to send me some chips in the post. However, if they arrive in my post box before I get there, I’m sure you are aware this will only succeed in making me more depressed)
SUBJECT:  RE: Nando’s Nonsense


Dear Nathan,


I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t enjoy your recent visit to Nando’s. We fully appreciate that having your meals arrive at the table before you must have been very frustrating experience for you. If something spoils your meal, we need to know about it so we can put it right. As such, could you please answer a few questions so that we can investigate this matter further?


Which restaurant did you visit, along with the time and date?

Did you speak to anyone at the restaurant regarding your food? If so, do you remember their name, or can you provide a description?

Could you possibly send us a copy of your receipt if you still have it?

Could you also tell us where abouts in the restaurant you were sitting?


We look forward to hearing from you so we can begin to investigate your complaint.


Kind Regards,

Kirby Watson


SUBJECT:  Nando’s Nonsense


Hello Kirby!

First off, awesome name.

Second off, I shall try and answer your questions as conveniently and accurately as possible:


Can you confirm where you sent your previous comments?

Yes. I sent them everywhere, to all the email addresses available on your old and new website. Plus, I attempted to spew forth my opinions into any Comments Box that would accept them. I think I also sent it to Gourmet Burger Kitchen, purely out of confusion.


Which of our restaurants did you visit, along with the time and date?

I visited the Nando’s in Oxford Town Centre. I assume there is only one Nando’s in Oxford Town Centre, but I haven’t been out to check. I went with my friend Holly on the 6th October 2011. It was approximately dinner time. (Or Tea Time, as Holly would say, because she is Northern! Haha!)


Did you speak to any staff regarding your food? Do you remember their name or appearance?

Yes, I spoke to a waitress. I said: “Excuse me, is this a full portion of chips?” She said: “Yes.” So I said: “Oh.” I was then disappointed to see my friend’s portion of chips arrive, and she had much more than me. I counted. After this however, I was too embarrassed to say anything to the staff.


I do not remember the waitress’s name, since I am not made of memory(!) but I vaguely remember her appearance. I have drawn a picture below. Perhaps you could ask any staff fitting this description if they remember the above correspondence?

Can we have your receipt number?

I’m afraid I don’t have the receipt anymore, since I am an avid recycler. Though I can have a guess at the receipt number if you like. I think it starts with a 2.


Where were you sitting in the restaurant?

As far as I recall, I was sitting on a chair pushed up close to a table. This table was at the far side of the restaurant and was positioned at a jaunty angle. This only contributed to my sense of unease.


Hopefully these answers are sufficient for your investigation. I am hoping to receive some compensation for this incident, otherwise I (once a loyal Nando’s customer) will be forced to go to KFC. And nobody wants that.


All the best,



I promptly received a voucher for one free meal in the post. One-Nil, Nandos. One-frickin-nil.


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