Failed Letters 2


All I want is free things. Is that too much to ask? All too often, companies consider themselves too awesome to reply, like the two below. Now I may need to consider new tactics.

SUBJECT:   I scream for Ice Cream


Dear Spar,


You ever-comforting motto is: “There for you”. And in this instance, I certainly hope you will be.


You see, I recently purchased a tub of your Rocky Road Ice Cream, but alas, I did not foresee the rocky road ahead of me! (Did you see what I did there? If not, don’t worry. It was just a small pun)


I was hoping that, in terms of texture, this ice cream would be like a old country lane that has not been tended to in some time. But instead it was more like a recently tarmacked driveway. Whilst this is good if you are a road, it is most definitely bad if you are an ice cream that purports to be somewhat crunchy.


In my average sized portion (I was careful not to exceed my RDA), I happened upon only two biscuity bites, and zero (0) marshmellow areas.


I believe this to be very unfair, and even verging on false advertising, given the crazy amount of chunks seen on the packaging, and all of their jaunty angles that I long for so badly.


I wonder what can be done to assist me in this matter. Perhaps the best course of action would be to send me a large packet of chunks…


Look forward to hearing from you.

Nathan O’Neill



SUBJECT:  I am disappoint


Dearest Burger King, sorry, I mean McDonald’s,


Thank you for being delicious, but unfortunately, I am emailing you because I have reason to complain.


You see, just the other day, I ventured into Maccy D’s and purchased a Mayo Chicken Sandwich, and a Chicken Nugget Happy Meal (my plan was to add the nuggets to the burger, to make a double burger, and then insert the chips as some sort of carbohydrate lattice in order to maintain the structural integrity of the Nugget Burger TM, but perhaps this is beside the point).


Anyway, my evening meal was somewhat ruined by the presence of some unwelcome guests. And by guests, I mean flies. And lots of them. Whilst I admire the fact that the great taste of McDonald’s has transcended the species barrier and happily entered the insect world, I simultaneously dis-admire the fact that these beasts were allowed to dine alongside actual humans. I am therefore calling for a Species Apartheid in all your stores. The only flies that I want near me when I’m dining are those attached to a pair of trousers, and even then, the number of said flies should be limited.


My point is, I’m appalled at the presence of flies in your restaurant, and they managed to put me off my chips. I am therefore looking for some sort of reimbursement, and can assure you that a standard apologetic template will be insufficient to turn me back into the devoted, loyal customer that I once was. Or just free chips.


I look forward to hearing from you soon




I fear it is too easy for these faceless corporations to ignore one email. So two options now present themselves. Either to send HUNDREDS OF EMAILS! Or to write official looking letters and do actual post and things. Stay tuned




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