Building An Empire


 

For most successful countries, Imperialism has not only been an easy way to acquire land and resources, but a way of life. Imperialism, for the intellectually challenged who didn’t read the title, is the creation and or maintenance of an unequal economic, cultural, and territorial relationship. For the severely intellectually challenged: big place takes over little place and uses their toys. If you’ve too little intellect to understand that, I first applaud you for being able to manipulate a web browser, and curtly ask for you to return to your episode Jersey Shore. Now that M. Night Shyamalan isn’t reading, we can get to the logistics of creating your own empire.

 

Location, Location, Location

You’re starting your own empire here, you’ve gotta make certain of a few things before sinking your slimy, industrial tentacles into the unknowing, underdeveloped countries of the world. Firstly, is this the type of place you could visit on holiday? If not, why the hell do we care about it? To have a flourishing empire you need land that can be seen as a step away from the everyday. Secondly, do the people there have entertaining accents? A glorious empire must have a myriad of silly accents occupied within it. Thirdly, and most importantly, will this location grant a strategic advantage over your opponents? If you take the Shire first, you can use the hobbits as cannon fodder against Gondor. It just makes sense.

 

Perfect for hobbit-firing.

 

Native Population

Exploit them. Simply, plainly, and boldly. Exploit them like the naive college girl who doesn’t realize the camera in the corner of your room. We’ve all been there, right? Natives have potential for greatness. You could use them as simple slaves, but after a short while the people of your great enterprising country will bore of them, droning about, complaining about their lack of rights and liberties. Think outside the box. Historically, the ancient Romans did it best so far: take your slaves and have them kill each other for sport.

 

You're doing it right

 

I may love blood sport as much as the next American, but I feel a little empty just killing of an entire population of people. I think there is room to allow a few of the natives to become relatively successful, giving the rest of them a new hope. And what does a good imperialist do to hope? Crush it with your iron clad fist for sheer shock value. If you do things right, you’ll have an infinite amount of prostitutes, labor, and entertainment; which at the end of the day equates to pure happiness.

 

Natural Resources

Not entirely unlike the native population, you are going to exploit them! Woohoo! BUT! This is where many have failed, and you shan’t. Oftentimes, the conquering empire destroys the untamed land irrevocably to the point where the land is rendered less than worthless. You cannot destroy everything; you must selectively and methodically menace the resources. Diamonds? Don’t mine them all at once. Mine a few, call them exotic and profit off the stupidity of others. Resources are like a delicious meal, you could shove it all into your mouth at once. But you wouldn’t do that on a date. Apparently, shoving a whole lobster in my mouth wasn’t impressive. If she’d done that however, well, I’d have exploited her natural resources. As I was saying before, don’t shove all the diamonds in your mouth, sample them one at a time, and allow your ewok waiters to bring you more in due time. Let the resources replenish themselves so you can exploit them over, and over, and over again.

 

Rinse and Repeat

You’ve got plenty of places to conquer; hop from one country to the next. Imperialism is just like sex, you just keep penetrating until you’re satisfied, or until you can’t keep it up anymore. That’s what it’s all about, you pounce and it’s yours. Imperialism, find a good spot, use the people, use their resources, and live like an Imperialistic bastard.

 

(N.B. This may or may not be TrendFlux’s current business model)
 


Want more from this author? Try The Everyman’s Guide To Home Depot

Or for a related article, how about A Guide to Being a Brit Abroad

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