After sampling a couple of Britain’s festivals this summer, it’s safe to say that general behaviour doesn’t differ that much from each one; it’s all pretty outrageous. Social boundaries seem to be forgotten, morals thrown out the window and fashion sense lost in a sea of fancy dress and hippy-chic headwear. So after careful consideration (and enough mud to last me a life time), I have crafted this guide in order to explain to you what’s inevitably going to happen at your festival.


1. Get horrendously drunk

Apparently, it’s OK to drink hard spirits out of plastic bottles before midday without people thinking you’re in the throes of alcoholism. It’s also acceptable to pay sky-high prices for a paper cup of Carling / Strongbow / Piss and queue for it for longer than the duration of some of the acts. I’m not advocating being stone cold sober, but finding your tent after 8 billion units of alcohol probably isn’t going to end well.



2. Get injured and not care

Sitting on people’s shoulders and throwing yourself into a mosh pit all sounds like good, clean fun in theory. However, when the randomer whose shoulders you’re on is too drunk to function and you hit the mud with extreme force, that broken wrist isn’t exactly going to heighten your festival experience. And as for mosh pits (A.K.A Death Pits if you’re not male, hench, and sweaty), JUST DON’T DO IT, IT WILL HURT IN THE MORNING. And every morning thereafter.


3. Be affectionate to total strangers

All festival-goers have been there; you’ve lost your mates and end up tagging along with that odd looking bunch of people dressed as farm animals which subsequently leads to them becoming your best pals for the entire festival. Other activities with strangers may include casual hook ups and embarrassing morning after encounters. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, there’s a reason V Fest is hypocritical. Virgin Festival, my ass (on retrospect, that probably wasn’t the best choice of words). And don’t even get me started on Creamfields…




4. See about 2 bands and not care

About 75% of people at festivals won’t actually see many bands even though they’ve paid hundreds of pounds to be there. Sitting in a field with your best mates vaguely listening to some high profile band whilst drinking over priced alcohol has never felt so good. Try and catch the headliners only if you can/you’re still conscious.


5. Realise you hate camping

After half a decade of festival attendance, I should be ashamed to say I’ve never camped, but in reality I have far too great a need to withhold a certain standard of personal hygiene and far too great a dislike for people with no spacial awareness to even try and enjoy spending a weekend in a tent surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people. By the end of your muddy weekend, you too will inevitably be in the same boat as I.


And that’s it. Festival season is almost over for another year, which will mean we all have to go back to being socially acceptable. Well, at least until next year’s festivals. You may spot me around; I’ll be the one drinking out of a plastic bottle on someone’s shoulders… not in a tent.


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