A bookies is a building where lifeless souls drift in and out to put their benefits on animals and humans who, as common sense would suggest, can be massively unpredictable. If you’re going to be hanging around in these places, then here are a few golden rules to follow to fit in with the crowd. These apply to everyone, from the one-bet a year people, to the guys who will probably die in their favourite chair in their local Ladbrokes.
1) NEVER attempt to drum up small talk with the person next to you. Chances are he’s a fifty year old anger-management case and he thinks he knows enough to start commenting on how a Jockey should ride his horse, or how a Fly-half should attempt more drop goals. He wheezes the whole time, louder and angrier as a race progresses. He is not someone to say ‘lovely weather we’re having’ to because, let’s face it, you’re both inside. By choice.
2) Bet on real life events, NOT machines. I remember a time when I considered that a virtual dog race or a blackjack hand couldn’t hurt. But it did. Big time. They’re not rigged…apparently, and let’s not get into the intricacies of how computers are unable to be random, but still, it’s best to stay off something that can be easily hacked into. These days, only chavs and morons use Roulette…so stay away and instead have a win on number 6 at Ascot.
3) Learn how to place a bet. You may be thinking “But when I went racing when I was 17, I just went up to a nice man and told him what I wanted, and he did the rest.” Not in here they won’t. If you walk up to the counter and proudly divulge the details of your wager…they will roll their eyes, hurl abuse, or I’ve seen both. Get a pen and slip provided to you, put down the event, the type of bet, and the name of the person/ thing that carried your hopes and dreams….and then hand it over the counter along with your pocket money.
4) Begin using drugs recreationally, such as tobacco and crack. Now I know what you’re thinking (“Crack can be expensive”), but you’ll need it do deal with the crushing blows of inevitable bankrupcy. And the smoking? The only chance you’ll get to see into the inner depths of these tortured souls is outside. Where there are no screens. And they go out for some ‘fresh air’ to somehow clear their heads.
5) Act like you know it all. There is a chance that your opinion may be asked on topics such as ‘the whip’ or goal line technology. Do your homework.
6) Steal to fund your habit. Old ladies seem to carry around their money, so are easy targets. They do get pretty vocal though, so what you should do is…. Sorry, I digress.
With those steps, you’ll be king of the town, raking in the winnings. At which point the bookie will most likely bar you from the residence, or make sure the odds on that 100-1 outsider you bet on are conveniently updated to be more along the lines of 5-1. Life is very cruel. Win or lose, they’ll fuck you over some way.
Go get ‘em, tiger.
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